Numb
by Orangesoda111
Summary: After a violent incident of abuse Bella Swan is left numb and scarred, addicted to drugs and self harm. She moves into a huge house with her brother Emmett, her ex Edward, Alice, Rosalie and Jasper All human cannon R
1. Bella's Past

**HEYYYYYYYY this is my 4****th**** fanfic and I think this story has much potential I do not own twilight SM does but I do like peanut butter. Umm yeah woot woot Enjoy here's some back round information on the characters**

**Bella Swan: 19 sister to Emmett currently single ex boyfriend is Edward **

**Emmett Swan: 21 brother to Bella currently dating Rosalie**

**Alice Cullen: 19 adoptive sister to Edward currently dating Jasper**

**Edward Cullen:20 adopted brother to Alice currently dating Tanya ex girlfriend is Bella**

**Rosalie Hale: 20 sister to Jasper currently dating Emmett ex boyfriend is Phil **

**Phil Dwyer: 22 currently dating Renee(Renee is in her 40's) ex girlfriend is Rosalie **

Bella's POV

My life sucks I said to myself I tried to drown out my thoughts by blasting my music which only helped so much. I received several dirty looks from people on the subway but they quickly turned away when I gave them the fuck off look. So here I am on the subway running away from my home running away from Renee and Phil I shuddered when I thought his name, to some town in Alaska to live with my Brother Emmett, I hope he's ok with my surprise visit, actually I don't give a fuck if he's ok with me moving in. We weren't on the greatest speaking terms when he left actually that was an understatement he was pissed off at me he took Rosalie's side of the argument.

_Flashback_

_Me and Rose were at 'the party of the year' as Phil Rosalie's boyfriend said_

"_To the two hottest bitches at this party" Rosalie said and we toasted our sodas and laughed_

"_I think Phil is cheating on me" Rosalie said and I looked shocked_

"_There is no way that hes cheating on you Rosalie I can see the way he looks at you he loves you." I said_

"_Your right" Rosalie said but I picked up the doubt in her voice _

"_Hey love" Edward said and gave me a kiss on the forehead _

"_I love you" I said to Edward completely forgetting Rosalie was there _

"_I loved you too" Edward said and kissed me the kiss was intense but Rosalie cleared her throat and I pulled away from the kiss. Edward was the most serious boyfriend I've ever had I loved him so much. We were talking about taking our relationship to the next level but I wasn't ready yet I was still a virgin._

"_Hey Phil" Rosalie said and kissed him on the cheek I've never seen Rosalie so head over heels for a guy_

"_Hey babe, hey Bella" Phil said and sat down next to us_

"_Hey" I said and Edward put his arm around my shoulders_

_I got a text from Phil_

_Hey got a gift for Rosalie want 2 come with me and get it?_

_I texted back _

_Sure_

"_Babe I'm going to go get a drink I'll be right back Bella do you want to come?" Phil asked_

"_Sure" I said and gave Edward a quick peck and left with Phil to get Rosalie's gift_

_We went through the crowd of people inside and the music was way too loud to hear anyone._

"_Its upstairs" Phil screamed but I barley heard him I nodded my head and we went upstairs I went in his room and he closed the door behind us and I gave him a questioning look._

"_Where's her gift? I bet you got her a bracelet or-" I was cut off by Phil kissing me and I pushed him off of me_

"_What the hell?" I screamed angrily _

"_Come on babe lets have some fun" He said while wiggling his eyebrows _

"_EW no I'm getting out of here and telling Rosalie what you did to me!" I said_

"_Come on it will be fun you're way hotter than Rosalie." Phil said_

"_NO!" I said and walked to the door but Phil grabbed my arm and turned me around and kissed me angrily and pushed me down on the bed and pinned my arms at the front._

"_Stop" I screamed but he just smiled and I struggled against his iron grip. Lets just say no matter how much I said no he didn't stop. He raped me and took my innocence. It was morning and I was a mess. Just as I was about to get up from under the sheets Rosalie walked in. Her expression was shocked and hurt._

"_Rosalie its not what it looks like." I started but she cut me off_

"_You-you backstabbing slut!" She screamed_

"_Phil was cheating on me with you! You're a cold hearted bitch Bella wait until Edward finds out about this and how much of a whore you are!" Rosalie said with tears forming in her eyes_

"_I thought you were my friend Bella" Rosalie sternly said and took a water bottle and poured it on Phil so that he'd wake up Phil woke up and said "What the hell?"_

"_We're through" Rosalie said to Phil and left with tears falling down her face. I cried silently and put my clothes back on. And practically ran out of the room not wanting to see Phil's face but I heard as I left_

"_You know you wanted it. Your mine now a dirty slut no one will ever love you." I cried all of the walk home but I attempted to look like nothing happened so that Emmett wouldn't question me. Thankfully Emmett was still sleeping I could hear him snoring from downstairs. I got into the shower and turned it up to the maximum hotness trying to scrub the dirty feeling off of me but it didn't work even after I scrubbed my skin until it was red I still felt like a dirty whore. I dressed in sweatpants and a long sweatshirt to hide the bruises every part of my body hurt like hell. I collapsed on my bed and cried._

_I would tell Edward what happened to me but he wouldn't believe me Phil set it up perfectly to look like we were having an affair. The text messaging the going alone places with him ugh. I cried harder and attempted to stop but every time I closed my eyes memories of what happened to me would play in my head over and over. I saw Emmett at my door way luckily he didn't see me crying._

"_Good morning Bellsy" Emmett said and gave me a bear hug and I cringed away from him and tried not to hyper venolate._

"_Morning Emmy" I said with no emotion_

"_What's wrong?" Emmett said damn me and Emmett are so close he always knows when something's up_

"_Nothing I just feel sick" I said with my eyes closed trying to stop the tears that were threatening to pour over. And Emmett left I could tell he didn't believe me that there was something deeper but he just shrugged it off. A while later I heard Edward and Emmett arguing outside my door._

"_Dude she's sick I think you guys can last one day without seeing her." Emmett said wait Emmett said guys who else is outside my door_

"_Dude listen I need to talk to her." Edward said _

"_Emmett let Edward talk to her." Rosalie sneered when she said her I always thought that Rosalie would always end up with Emmett they were best friends. There was a knock at my door_

"_Go away I don't feel good" I said and my voice broke twice but Edward came in regardless and shut the door behind him when Edward shut the door it instantly reminded me of when Phil shut the door and locked me in the room my breathing was ragged. My head was still on the mattress._

"_Bella" Edward said his voice full of anger and pain I sat up and looked at him his emerald green eyes were smoldering into my brown eyes._

"_Yes" I said my voice was surprisingly calm I thought my voice would be in hysterics now_

"_Did you?" Edward asked and I instantly knew what he meant he was asking me if I cheated on him. I didn't say anything I just looked down to ashamed to tell him about my rape and he wouldn't believe me if I did tell him._

"_Slut" Edward yelled at me_

"_What?" I asked_

"_Slut that's what you call someone who cheated on their boyfriend. We're done I never want to talk to you or see you again." Edward said and left slamming the door in the process. Tears in my eyes were threatening to spill over._

_Apparently Emmett went out to dinner with Rosalie and Edward and took their side Emmett yelled how could I do this to my boyfriend and my best friend he blamed me for Rosalie being sad. Over the next couple of weeks Emmett and Rosalie were boyfriend and girlfriend. Emmett and I grew distant as him and Rosalie grew closer he didn't even look at me. I felt like everyone I needed abandoned me at my time of need I started getting into cutting myself and doing drugs Emmett doesn't know that I cut myself or do drugs. My wardrobe drastically changed to I wore black all of the time. I could tell that Emmett wanted me gone and out of his life. So I decided to leave I packed all of my stuff I went down the stairs and I could hear laughing The laughing stopped when I walked in the room I saw Emmett with his arm around Rosalie's shoulder, Alice, and Jasper, and what I saw that made my heart drop was Edward with another girl she had strawberry blonde hair. Everyone was glaring at me and I looked away and was about to walk out the door with my suitcase when Emmett asked_

"_Where are you going?" I was taken aback by his words because, that was the first time he talked to me in what seemed like months. I just ignored him and walked to my beat up truck I could tell he was following me. I was about to put my suit case in the back of my truck when Emmett grabbed my arm._

"_Bella where are you going?" Emmett asked and I saw everyone listening to us at the door_

"_Hmm I'm surprised you know my name because, you've been ignoring me for so long." I snapped back at him._

"_Bella what is your freakin problem?" Emmett asked I didn't know what to say I'm sure I looked stupid standing there speechless. Emmett took my suitcase and threw it in the back of my truck._

"_Fine go I don't care you can come back when you can tell me what is wrong with you!" Emmett screamed at me and I got in my car and drove from Forks to Phenoix to live with Renee. Living with Renee was eventful I barley said a word to her but she talked to me for hours. I lived with her for about a year. She gushed about this one guy she started dating she said his name was Phil I didn't think anything of it until she asked him to move in and I saw Phil it was the same guy that raped me. I panicked when I saw him he beat me for a while but he made sure Renee wouldn't find out like he wouldn't punch or slap me in my face. One night it got bad and I packed a backpack of stuff climbed out my window and got on a plane to Alaska to runaway from Phil (I know Emmett's address now because, Renee was going to send a Christmas card to him) so here I am now on a subway on my way to Emmett's house_

_End Flash back_

I got off of the subway and looked at myself in a mirror I was wearing black fitted sweat pants and a long sleeve dark blue almost black shirt. My hair was down and wavy. But my brown eyes were full of pain. I hated that I looked pretty even in sweat pants. I was nervous of how Emmett would react. I got a taxi and gave him the address when we pulled up to the house my jaw dropped the house was huge I double checked the address to make sure this was the right house and it was. I rung the door bell and Emmett answered the door the first emotion that flickered across his face was shock

**Ok How will Emmett react to Bella? Reviews are apprtiated Review! :)**


	2. High

**Hey people In the back round information I forgot to put Jasper so here is his back round info **

**Jasper Hale: 20 twin brother to Rosalie currently dating Alice**

**Anyways thanks so much for all of the reviews your reviews motivated me to update sooner woot woot :) Enjoy this chapter!**

_Previously…I rung the door bell and Emmett answered the door the first emotion that flickered across his face was shock._

"I got kicked out can I crash here for a bit?" I ask-lied I didn't get kicked out but I ran away and no matter how pissed off I am at Emmett I don't want him to get dragged into this or worry about this- wait why would he worry about me he hates me. He just stood there silently ok how high was I when I thought of the idea to come here I might as well go back to Phenoix.

"Ok bye" I said awkwardly and turned around

"Only a few weeks" Emmett said with a sigh and a bit of venom in his voice I see I'm not forgiven yet. Like I give a fuck what he thinks. I went inside and it was just as huge as the outside as the house the old sisterly Bella wanted to ask him did he win the freakin lottery or something but that Bella died a long time ago.

"3rd floor second door on your right." Emmett said bored like he was forced to look after me. I said nothing and walked up the stairs I opened the door and put my backpack on my bed. I was in a rush so I only packed my razors, my journal (I've been writing in it everyday since the incident, 3 pairs of pants, 2 shirts and 2 sweatshirts, some pills of oxycontin, and cocaine and of course my fake id. I'd probably have to find a drug dealer if I'm staying here for a couple weeks. I saw something that I hadn't realized I packed it was a necklace that had a E and next to it was a picture of Edward kissing my forehead, I quickly threw that back in the bag.

_Flashback_

_It was my birthday the day I hated the most Edward was taking me to his house and when I walked threw the doors everyone yelled surprise! I'm sure that my cheeks were bright red from embarrassment._

"_Happy Birthday Bella!" Alice and Rosalie yelled and came up to hug me and Emmett gave me his famous bear hug._

"_Emmett can't breath" I said and Emmett's booming laughter filled the house and he let me down_

"_Show me the love." Alice said and took a picture of me and Edward, Edward was kissing the top of my head. Edward gave me a present wrapped in blue wrapping paper I opened it and gasped it was a necklace with the letter E on it E for Edward._

"_Thank you I love it" I said and gave Edward a quick kiss and Emmett wedged in between us putting an arm around each of our shoulders obviously separating us stupid overprotective brother. "I have one too" Edward said and un tucked a chain necklace that said B on it and I was there grinning like an idiot I couldn't have been happier. _

_End Flashback_

Seriously I need to get high right now whenever I'm not high I start to think. I took out my bag of cocaine and prepared it and snorted it. I felt high after a couple minutes. I started fidgeting uncontrollable I could not sit still and my heart was definitely racing. I heard a knock at my door ah shit Emmett can't see me like this. I looked in the mirror and saw two of my self what I could see my eyes were dilated.

"Bella Household meeting down stairs" Emmett said I was confused why was Emmett here didn't he hate me I pounded my head.

"Bella" Emmett yelled irritated I'm starting to get irritated of him actually

"I'm in the shower" I yelled and turned on the water

"There is no shower in your room" Emmett yelled what is he talking about there's a freaking shower next to my dresser stupid cocaine playing with my mind.

"OK be out in a couple of minutes I'm taking a freakin shower." I yelled and I heard Emmett sigh I was just fidgeting for 20 minutes I could feel the high starting to wear off I looked in the mirror and saw my eyes were dilated but I'm fine other than that. I went more like stumbled down the stairs and everyone looked irritated and annoyed.

"Took you long enough" I heard someone mumble under their breath. I saw Emmett was there, so was Rosalie, Alice, Jasper, the strawberry blonde chick I saw a while ago and _Edward _with his arm around her_._ My heart skipped a beat when I saw him he looked just a gorgeous as before but he would never want to talk to a dirty slut like me. Hey why is the strawberry blonde wearing a E necklace and Edward had a chain tucked into his shirt that probably said whatever the strawberry blonde's name was.

"Why are you fidgeting so much?" Jasper asked oh was I, I didn't notice

"Why are you such an asshole?" I asked Jasper and everyone looked at me shocked and there was a long silence.

"Look Bella if you want to stay here you're going to have to pay rent 1500 a month." Emmett said and my jaw dropped did he know how much pot I could have bought with that money.

"Of course if that's too much you can just leave its not like anyone wants you here anyways I mean you are a back stabbing slut." Rosalie said with venom in her voice.

"Screw you" I said I mean I could have said more vile stuff about her but I didn't want to be kicked out. I walked to my room and slammed the door. I took out my razor and lifted up my sleeve every inch of my arm was covered in cuts or and hand shaped marks on them 1 2 3 I said to myself then made a cut and the emotional pain went away I wrapped my arm in a bandage. I took out mu journal and flipped to an open page

_Dear Diary,_

_ This is Bella who else would it be? Anyways I moved in with my brother Emmett that hates me, My ex friends who glare at me and my ex boyfriend that I still love Edward who had his arm around another girl. And to top off my day I have to waste my drug money on fucking rent. I got called a slut today I hate when people call me a slut because, I know its true. I mean I was raped I'm a waste of space a freakin worthless whore._

_ From the whore Bella._

**Hey I was thinking of ending each chapter with a journal entry how does that sound? Review!**


	3. Tanya

**Hey thanks for all of the reviews! Anyways the usual I do not own twilight SM does but I do like peanut butter. Enjoy!**

I woke up in cold sweat another nightmare screaming I tried to muffle the sound of my screams with the pillow. I looked at the clock it said 2:00pm I groaned there's no use of going back to sleep and having nightmares. I usually sleep in later mostly because, the drugs have that affect on me after I use I sleep most of the day. I sleepily walked to the shower and turned the water to maximum hotness the comforting smell of my strawberry shampoo filled the air. I dressed in dark black skinny jeans with a long sleeve black shirt and I threw on a random black hoodie. I don't know why but I put on the "E" necklace and tucked it into my shirt. I popped the rest of my oxycontin pills ugh I'm going to have to find a drug dealer sooner than I thought. I got out of the bathroom and walked downstairs to my room. I looked at my phone 10 missed calls from Renee I sighed I had to tell her sooner or later that I'm not coming back home this time. I've ran away many times in the past but always came back after a couple of days. The phone barley rang and Renee picked up.

"Bella Bella" Renee's voice was panic-ey

"Renee relax" I said

"No Bella I'm not going to relax. This little running away stunt has to end. Bella dear me and Phil are worried about you." Renee said her voice full of concern pff the only thing Phil is worried about is that he doesn't have a human punching bag to take his anger out on

"Mom I'm not coming back." I said and there was a long silent pause

"Isabella Marie Swan what do you mean you are not coming back?" Renee asked

"I'm not coming back I'm staying with Emmett can you send my truck over?" I asked

"You are on suicide watch Bella I can't just let you go." Renee said ouch why does she always have to bring that up it was a little while after Phil moved in.

_Flashback __**(AN: this scene is very similar to my other fanfic Learning to Trust)**_

_I'm so freakin tired of having nightmares because of Phil so freakin tired of living in fear so freakin tired of life. I slowly walked to the kitchen grabbed a knife, went to the bathroom and turned on the shower I couldn't stand the smell of blood I slowly sliced my wrists at first it felt great but then it started to hurt the cuts on my wrists were deep. I heard knocking on the door but I didn't answer I couldn't find my lips. I was happy that this was finally the end dying is peaceful living is the hard part._

"_Bella"_

"_Bella"_

"_Bella"_

"_Oh god Bella what did you do?" Renee asked and everything was black after that I woke up in the hospital with my mom crying and having to answer all of these depression questions which I lied on and said that I was happy just didn't know what I was doing when I cut myself._

_End Flashback_

"Mom I do not cut anymore you know I can't stand the smell of blood" I lied

"And apparently you are a terrible liar too." Renee said trying to see if something was up.

"Scouts honor" I said and hopefully Renee would shut the fuck up soon.

"Are you sure there's enough room there oh wait there is Carlisle and Esme bought them that house for a late graduation present. And Emmett bets on sports games but that only helps so much." Renee explained oh that's why Emmett has such a huge house.

"I'm really worried about you Bella" Renee said in a motherly tone and I don't know why but I snapped

"Seriously I'm not a little kid anymore I'm 19 I can do whatever the fuck I want." I said a little bit too loudly

"Bella what is wrong with you this is not the Bella I used to know" Renee said probably on the verge of tears

"Ha that's so freakin funny you weren't there for half of my life and you think you know me! Maybe I left because, my mom was a heartless bitch!" I screamed and hung up on her oh my gosh I have such a huge headache.

I walked downstairs and grabbed a poptart Edward just came in with his bathing suit on dripping wet I practically choked on my poptart when I saw him his abs were perfectly sculpted and- aw shit if Phil knew that I was thinking this he would beat the crap out of me and Edward would never look at me like that because, I'm broken beyond repair. Some little voice in my head told me that I should be afraid of him** (AN: She's a little afraid of men because, of what Phil did to her)** but me being the stupid person I am decided against my thought and stayed there mistake number 1. I looked up and that was mistake number 2 my eyes locked with Edward's piercing emerald green eyes I don't know how long we were standing there but it was like we were having a silent conversation. Edward opened his mouth to speak and I thought he was going to say something thoughtful but what he said was

"Are you high?" I was about to say some bad ass remark back but strawberry blonde ran in, in a skimpy bathing suit that practically covered nothing.

"Eddie" She said in a nasely voice

"Tanya" Edward said back and Tanya practically attacked him and began a full out make-out session with him. A couple minutes later they were still making out and I said

"I think I lost my appetite" And I threw out what remained of my poptart I was about to head out the front door when I heard Edward say wait and I turned around.

"That's my sweatshirt I want it back" what an ass I noticed it said Cullen on the sleeve and probably the back too I practically ripped off his sweatshirt and threw it at him

"Asshole" I said underneath my breath just loud enough for him to hear

"What?" He said and his voice was like velvet it was just me and Edward alone

"You are an asshole" I said saying each word slowly

"Why don't you go back to your bimbo." I said with a pang of jealously in my voice and Edward came closer to me and put his arms on both sides of me **(AN: Like the scene in twilight when they're against the rock)**

"Why don't you go back to the guy you cheated on me with?" Edward said just as harshly his icy cool breath hitting my face

"Fuck you" I said with tears in my eyes trying to suppress the memories that came flooding back

"Dude Tanya wants you to come back in the pool" Jasper said but Edward kept on looking in my eyes trying to look for answers.

"Dude?" Jasper said again and I pushed Edward off of me, Went out the door and slammed it. I rode a subway to the "bad" parts of town meaning the place were the druggies hang out. I looked at people on the subway and thought that sometimes I want to tell someone what happened just blurt it out tell a random stranger just to, get it off my chest. I took out my journal and wrote

Dear Diary,

I feel like a huge hole has been punched through my chest. Every time I see him with Tanya I have to hold my breath because, I feel as if I'm going to burst into tears. I try to block out my emotions and be numb but there is a deep depression taking over me. And I'm that girl yes that girl that makes her mom cry.

From, a very depressed Bella.

**This chapter was a little short but I posted two chapters so Review!**


	4. Friends don't let friends drive drunk

**Hey thanks for all of the reviews! Anyways Enjoy this chapter!**

I sighed and got off the subway I walked the streets I went down an alley and saw a drug deal being made I went up to the seller and whoa I saw a guy about 6 freakin'3 he had deep russet colored skin and jet black short hair with loving brown eyes but a hint of pain was behind those eyes.

"What do you want? I got roofies, coke, pain meds" The Indian looking guy was rambling on but I was stuck on the word roofies I know this is a sick twisted thought but why couldn't have Phil given me that so that every time I close my eyes I won't have to remember I just want to forget.

"I just want to forget" I said accidently aloud

"Roofies it is. Roofies makes you forget" Jacob said

"Wait no did I say that aloud"

"Can I have coke and the pain meds are oxycontin right?" I asked

"Yup" He said popping the 'p' I handed him $500 that I stole from Edward's wallet ha that teaches him to act like a jackass

"Hey I'm Jacob" he said

"Bella" I said and I shook his hand

"Want to grab some beer?" Jacob asked

"Sure" I said and we went to some bar we talked and laughed for hours this is the first time I felt alive in a while.

"Bye Jakey" I slurred

"Bye Bells" Jacob slurred equally drunk I gave him a hug.

"Here let me drive you home" Jacob said

"Noooooo your too drunk. Gimme the keys" I slurred

"Your right I am too drunk." Jacob said

"Yup and friends don't let friends drive drunk" I said trying to sound official and Jacob laughed and handed me the keys. It was about 3 in the morning.

I drove home and we were singing sweet home Alabama at the top of our lungs. We walked more like stumbled in.

"SHHHHH" I shushed loudly and Jacob was still singing Sweet home Alabama really loud All of a sudden the lights flicked on and it was Emmett with Rosalie hiding behind him and Alice was hiding behind Jasper and Tanya was hiding behind Edward they probably thought an intruder was in the house. Jake was still singing and he stopped we laughed at there confused faces.

"Bella your 19 why the hell are you drunk?" Emmett said

"Nooooo I'm not drunk watch zyxwvutsrqponomlkjihgfedcba" I said

"Whoa impressive I'm going to have to learn how to do that." Jasper said

"I am not not drunk I drove home. Jacob was going to drive us home but friends don't let friends drive drunk." I said the last part like an officer and me and Jacob burst out laughing

"What the Fuck you drove home Bella are you insane you could have got killed!" Emmett screamed

"Ha by the way you say that it almost sounds like you cared about me but I know that's not true because, who didn't visit me in the hospital last year. Your just like Charlie." I said and I knew I struck a bad nerve with him Charlie loved his work more than us.

"Emmett your really really tall" I slurred I was even surprised when I said that.

"Come on Bellsy" Emmett said and picked me up and was bringing me upstairs to my bed

"Emmy I miss when you used to call me that." I said

"Bella you're drunk you don't know what you're saying" Emmett sighed

"If I said I was a slut would you say that I knew what I was saying?" I asked

"Night Bella" Emmett said and I frowned Emmett left and I took out my journal

Dear Diary,

Let me start by saying SWEET HOME ALABAMA hahahaha. Emmett the guy who's really tall called me Bellsy! YAY I met a friend a guy named Jacob Black and I'm a good friend right he was drunk and I said in an officer-y voice friends don't let friends drive drunk. I felt alive for the first time in a while.

From, The not drunk Bella

**Hey I know this chapter was a little short but I put up two chapters. Review!**


	5. You should be in the NFL

**Hey guys thank you thank you and thank you for all of the reviews your reviews motivated me to write a new chapter ASAP ha ha ha ha. Enjoy this chapter!**

I screamed into my pillow trying to muffle the sound of my screaming. "Ugh" I groaned as I got up I got a shower and pulled on black sweatpants with a black paramore shirt** (AN: I love Paramore) **and with a black zip up hoodie on top and my E necklace. Ugh I have such a huge hung over how drunk was I last night? I looked at what I wrote in my journal I usually don't look in my journal unless I can't remember what happened I don't really want to relive my memories so the last thing I remember is going to a bar with Jacob I don't remember much but I know that we had fun.

Dear Diary,

Let me start by saying SWEET HOME ALABAMA hahahaha. Emmett the guy who's really tall called me Bellsy! YAY I met a friend a guy named Jacob Black and I'm a good friend right he was drunk and I said in an officer-y voice friends don't let friends drive drunk. I felt alive for the first time in a while.

From, The not drunk Bella

Ugh how drunk was I last night and why did Emmett call me Bellsy? Aw shit I must have did the say the alphabet backwards thing. What the fuck why'd I write sweet home Alabama. I hope Emmett doesn't do some Dr. Phil crappy intervention. I called Jacob's number and he picked up after a couple of rings.

"Hey who's this?" He said sleepily

"Bella" I said just as tired

"Bella!" Jacob screamed excitingly on the phone

"Jacob" I said with mock enthusiasm

"Ugh I have a huge hang over" Jacob groaned

"Same it sucks" I said

"Hey I know this is random nut do you remember anything about sweet home Alabama?" I asked and Jacob burst out laughing

"What?" I asked

"Now that you mention it I do I remember us singing it at the top of our lungs and us being really drunk and you can say the alphabet backwards while you were drunk. You have got to teach me that." Jacob said with a smile in his voice and I was mortified I always do embarrassing shit while I'm drunk.

"Where are you?" I asked

"Sleeping in my car parked outside this huge house, And there is a crappy red truck next to my car." Jacob said

"No freaking way you're parked outside the house that I live in! Hey don't hate the truck." I exclaimed and Jacob laughed

"Awesome I'll be at the door." He said still laughing I was pumped my car was here no more subway woot woot! I practically ran out of my room bumping into someone wet in the process but before I hit the floor iron arms grabbed me I opened my eyes and it was Edward shirtless with a towel wrapped around his waist. Why is it that every time I see him he is shirtless?

"Watch where you are going asshole." I said and it took every ounce of my self control to push away from him I'd rather be in his arms. I went downstairs and opened the door.

"Jake!" I screamed happy to see him it looked like he was going to hug me but I turned away I'm not ready for anyone to touch me.

"Wait I'll be back I have to get something. And by something I mean high." I said whispering the last part and Jacob nodded I went upstairs crushed some oxycontin and ate it. I cut myself releasing all of the emotional pain that was building up since I last cut myself I wrapped it in a bandage and went downstairs I was surprised to see Rosalie talking to Jake.

"She's a walking STD I would stay away from her." I heard Rosalie say oh fuck no

"What the fuck?" I said to Rosalie

"Just explaining to your little friend here that you are a backstabbing slut and how you slept with your best friend's boyfriend and cheated on your boyfriend. And not to be surprised if she sleeps with you tonight. Oh yeah to be carful because, you are a walking STD." She said with a bitchy tone and smiled I just wanted to wipe that smile off of her face I was about to punch her in the face I extended my arm back but Jacob caught me hand and it was centimeters within her face I gave him a what the fuck face but then smiled Rosalie looked scared.

"Come on Bella lets go before this turns into a full on fight." Jacob said and practically dragged me out of the room into the next room.

"Sorry you had to hear that. I made some mistakes but that was in the past." I said looking down at the floor

"Seriously I was about to punch that bitch in the face. If you didn't attempt to do that before me but I stopped you because, she would probably get your ass in jail." Jacob said he was so understanding.

"Holy shitballs batman." Jacob said and I laughed then said what.

"You have an indoor heated pool and a Jacuzzi?" Jacob asked

"I do?" I said questioningly then turned around to where Jacob was starring and I saw through a glass door that there was a pool. We went through the door and a blast of warmness hit us.

"This is so fucking awesome" I said looking at the pool unexpectingly Jacob picked me up bridal style and I panicked at his touch but I tried not to show it. He won't hurt me I chanted to myself.

"Into the pool for you." Jake said with an evil smile on his face and threw me in I emerged from the water and laughed.

"I'm so getting you back Jacob" I said and got out of the pool and tackled him into the pool.

"Damn you should be in the NFL." Jacob joked and I laughed well 7 months of self defense helps me. After about an hour in the pool we got out and dried off with towels. I said bye to Jake as he left and I turned around to go to the living room to see everyone on the couch waiting for me.

"Umm hi?" I said and everyone was starring at me Rosalie looked at me eyes red like she'd been crying.

"What is your fucking problem Bella. I just got off the phone with Renee and she could barley talk because, she was crying so hard. And Rosalie told me that you almost hit her." Emmett said

"Yeah I'm actually sad that I didn't get to punch her in the face." I said

"This isn't a joke" Emmett said

"Emmett she deserved it she called me a walking STD" I said and Alice started laughing

"Well it is true you've probably slept with a bunch of people: Alice said and Rosalie gave her a high-five and everyone started half laughing I felt like the air has been punched out of me. And I was standing there speechless.

"You know what fuck this fuck life." I said back to them and ran out to my truck I noticed there was a note in my truck I gasped when I opened it I knew that hand writing from anywhere It said "I'm coming for you Bella not now but eventually." I started hyperbentalating when I read it. I couldn't stop the tears that started flowing I turned on my car and drove and kept on driving with tears down my face. I turned on the radio and Welcome to my life by simple plan came on as I started to listen to this I realized that it related to my life so much.

**(AN: Bold is Bella's thoughts)**

Do you ever feel like breaking down? **Yes all of the time**

Do you ever feel out of place?  
Like somehow you just don't belong  
And no one understands you **who could understand what I've been through**

Doyou ever wanna runaway? **I have 3 times**

Do you lock yourself in your room?  
With the radio on turned up so loud  
That no one hears you screaming **Good idea no more screaming into pillows**

No you don't know what it's like  
When nothing feels all right  
You don't know what it's like  
To be like me

To be hurt **I hurt emotionally all of the time**

To feel lost **I don't know what to do**

To be left out in the dark  
To be kicked when you're down** Kicked when I'm down yea after the worst thing that happened in my life 'the incident' all of my friends and brother abandoned me at my time of need**

To feel like you've been pushed around **Pushed around more like punched around**

To be on the edge of breaking down  
And no one's there to save you **No one cares about me enough to save me from Phil**

No you don't know what it's like  
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else? **I want to be the old Bella**

Are you sick of feeling so left out? **Left out more like shunned**

Are you desperate to find something more?  
Before your life is over

Are you stuck inside a world you hate? **I hate being called a slut**

Are you sick of everyone around?

With their big fake smiles and stupid lies  
While deep inside you're bleeding ** This line relates to my life so much**

No you don't know what it's like  
When nothing feels all right  
You don't know what it's like  
To be like me

To be hurt  
To feel lost  
To be left out in the dark  
To be kicked when you're down  
To feel like you've been pushed around  
To be on the edge of breaking down  
And no one's there to save you  
No you don't know what it's like  
Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face **Phil lied to me when he said that we were just getting a gift for Rosalie**

No one ever stabbed you in the back **All of my friends left me alone talk about stabbing someone in the back**

You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay** Happy?!?!? I'm nothing near happy**

Everybody always gave you what you wanted  
Never had to work it was always there  
You don't know what it's like, what it's like

To be hurt  
To feel lost  
To be left out in the dark  
To be kicked when you're down  
To feel like you've been pushed around  
To be on the edge of breaking down  
And no one's there to save you  
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)

To be hurt  
To feel lost  
To be left out in the dark  
To be kicked when you're down  
To feel like you've been pushed around  
To be on the edge of breaking down  
And no one's there to save you  
No you don't know what it's like  
Welcome to my life  
Welcome to my life  
Welcome to my life

**Welcome to my suckish life.**

I had to pull my car over because, I was crying so hard

Dear Diary,

I got called a walking STD. But also got a compliment from Jacob kind of he said I should be in the NFL for my mad tackling skills.'No one knows what its like to be me to be kicked when I'm down'But I'm just going to let fate take its course

From the NFL and walking STD Bella

I decided to let fate take its course I went back on the rode and shut my eyes tight and just stomped on the gas.

**DA DA DAAA I think this chapter needed dramatic music so anyways Review!**


	6. I'm kind of in Jail

**Heyy I'm sorry so so sorry that I haven't updated in a while there's been so much stuff going on but I hope you like this chapter be sure to review Enjoy!**

_Previously…__decided to let fate take its course I went back on the rode and shut my eyes tight and just stomped on the gas._

I heard a lot of horns honking and people screaming profanities I wondered why I haven't hit anyone yet. I heard police sirens behind me crap I re opened my eyes and pulled over. Shit shit shit shit shit I'm high ok it's just pain meds if I act normal they won't notice I said to myself trying to calm myself down.

"License and registration please." The officer said and I took out my license and looked quickly in the compartments for my registration. And I handed it to him.

"Wait your Isabella Swan do you happen to be related to-" The officer started and I knew what he was going to say so I cut him off.

"Charlie Swan yes I'm his daughter." I said in a bored tone Charlie is more than a chief of police he's a legend.

"Funny he never mentioned that he had kids." The officer said yea that's because, he doesn't care about me or Emmett

"Oh" was all I could get out even though I was expecting that answer it still hurt

"I'll let you off with a warning. Wait get out of the car." He demanded

"What the hell?" I asked and he opened my door and practically dragged me out He took the pain pill bottle out of the cup holder shit The pain pill bottle said Jane Volturi. He slammed my body against the car and pinned my hands behind my back

"Don't touch me" I said but he tried to hand cuff me

I was panicking it reminded me of how Phil handcuffed me without thinking I ripped my hands from behind my back and kneed him where the sun don't shine and he fell to the ground. Oh shit Bella what the hell did you do know they got you for speeding, drug possession and assaulting an officer. I felt a painful shock and yelped he fucking tazed me.

"Fuck" I said aloud that fucking hurts

"I need back up" The officer said don't move the officer said but I stood up and got tazed again on my side

"Fuck stop fucking tazing me Fuck" I swore damn that hurts

"No wonder why Charlie doesn't talk about you." He mumbled I would have beat the crap out of him for saying that but I could barley move getting tazed hurts. The officer hand cuffed me and another one pushed me in the cop car and the tower towed my truck to the station for evidence. I some how maneuvered the note from Phil from my pocket to my bra so that they wouldn't find out about him.

When I got into the station everyone started laughing saying stuff like

"Ha Ha Joe this little girl took you down"

And everyone burst out laughing when Joe the officer put ice down his pants I got my fingers printed and my mug shot then they put me in a jail cell.

"You have one call." Joe the officer said and gave me a dirty look. Damn who should I call Emmett is pissed at me Edward is probably busy fucking Tanya Renee will old this against me, and Jacob has no money but he's the best option to call. The phone started ringing please pick up please pick up I chanted to myself after a couple of rings he picked up.

"Jacob?" I asked

"Who is this?" Jake said probably not recognizing the number

"It's Bella I'm in some serious shit." I said

"What happened?" Jacob said his voice still alert

"I'm kind of in jail." I blurted out

"What?!" Jacob asked

"I got caught speeding then with drugs and I kicked a police officer in the balls." I said half laughing at the end and Jacob laughed too

"That's my girl" Jake said and I laughed but stopped quickly it hurt when I laughed from getting tazed

"Ow" I said aloud

"What?" Jakey asked

"A freakin police officer tazed me twice." I said and the pain was starting to kick in it hurt to even talk

"No fuckin way twice?" Jake said

"Yup it's the worst feeling it even hurts to-" I started but Jacob cut me off

"Talk." He said finishing my sentence.

"Yea how do you know?" I asked

"I was messing with my dad's tazer when I was 8 and accidently tazed myself and kind of cried for 3 hours. Did you cry" Jacob said and I couldn't help but laugh.

"No I didn't cry but I did swear a lot." I said

"Whoa your one tough bitch." Jacob said and I laughed

"Ah Stop making me laugh it hurts too much." I said

" Ok don't worry Bells I'm on my way over to there now." Jacob said and hung up I hung up shortly afterwards. They took me to some interrogation room and my side protested in pain when I walked. Charlie was interrogating me great did you pick up on my heavy sarcasm.

"Drug possession, speeding, insulting an officer?!" Charlie yelled outraged

"Who gave you the drugs?" Charlie said and I didn't answer

"I don't know." I said

"So they magically appeared in your truck." Charlie asked

"Apparently." I said and Charlie slammed his hand on the table I had two options either rat Jake out or take the blame for something I didn't do.

"I stole it from a pharmacy." I said with a sigh and Charlie looked satisfied

"Well Joe add stealing to her record too." Charlie said

"Isabella come to my office with me." Charlie said in a angry tone that was still professional. I limped to his office slowly my sides hurting like hell I sat down in a chair and he sat down behind his desk and folded his hands.

"Isabella Mary Swan" Charlie said

"That's not even my name. Do you even know how old I am or how old Emmett is what sport he likes whats my favorite song? You don't even know my fuckin name" I screamed and Charlie looked like he didn't even care looking at me like I was a physco

"Isabella." He said and pinched the bridge of his nose looking stressed

"78 hours of community service and a 7,500 fine and congratulations you have a police record" Charlie said with mock enthusiasm.

"Ok a how are you would be nice seeing as one of your cop buddy's tazed me twice!" I said

"I'll pay your fine." Charlie said trying to avoid the subject looking through a person's record not even looking at me

"Oh ok your trying to buy your way back into my life?" I said pissed

"Who said I wanted to be in your life again I need to focus on my work. You could have worse than a father who bails you out of jail Isabella." Ouch

"I don't want to be bailed out of anything." I said over it** (AN: that line was from the remember me trailer)**

"You're pathetic." I said to him with venom in my voice

"I'm pathetic? You're the one who got knocked up at 18." Charlie said back

_Flashback_

_Positive The little test said and I started crying I cannot do this I'm only 18 I am carrying Phil's child why'd he have to rape me and ruin my life I started sobbing harder. SO I did the only thing I could do I left I packed my bags and moved to Renee's house about 2 months into my pregnancy something went wrong with the baby he died inside my stomach they made a slice into my stomach to get him out. And I had my hands over my eyes._

"_What do you want to name him?" The doctors kept on asking and they kept on saying to look at him_

"_Why are you doing this to me I don't want to fucking look at him or name him." I screamed_

"_You have to name him for the gravestone." The doctors said even though that kid was made by rape I loved him the first time I saw him on the ultrasound. I said the first name that came to mind_

"_Carter Edward Swan" I said I thought Carter was out of the room so I opened my eyes to see he was still in there he looked so tiny and different shades of blue and purple then I lost it I started to sob. I called Emmett sobbing telling him I needed him to comfort me in the hospital but he never came._

_End Flashback _

I walked out of his office pissed off and slammed the office door despite my side hurting I ran out of the station tears starting to form in my eyes some of the tears poured over. I saw Jacob's rabbit that he built himself pull up. I hopped into his car.

"Are you ok Bells" Jacob said and his fingers brushed softly against my cheek wiping some of the silent tears off in the process I only nodded yes because, I feared if I spoke I would start to sob. I closed my eyes trying to calm down.

"It's just Charlie the police chief or something my dad, he is an asshole who doesn't give a shit about me or my brother Emmett he doesn't even know my full name and when I was little he never was home always working he wouldn't even shed one tear if I died. He wants me out of his life so that he could focus on his work." I said my voice thick with tears.

"You have a brother?" Jacob asked curiously

"Yea Emmett you've seen him the muscular tall guy with curly short hair and brown eyes." I said

"Oh yeah he does look like you except the way you act towards each other it seems like you're enemies." Jake stated

"Yea I fucked things up with him he hates my guts." I said which added to the tears that were now falling

"Well my dad Billy was a police chief too he was in a high speed race his car flipped over and now he's in a wheel chair." Jacob said and I saw some tears in his eyes too

"Sorry Jake" I said sincerely Jacob started driving fast but he was no where near driving as fast as Edward used to Edward drove like a maniac

"So was it hard core interrogation like in the movies?" Jacob asked and I chuckled

"No Charlie tried to seem bad ass but came off as a poser. They found the drugs I bought from you in my truck but don't worry I didn't rat you out I said I stole them." I said

"Thanks Bella" Jake said and we arrived at my house 10am in the morning

"Fuck" I said as I tried to get up

"Here I got you." Jacob said

"No I'm fine" I tried to protest but he picked me up carefully I cringed a little bit at his touch but he didn't seem to notice. He put me down at the front porch and gave me a hug before he left.

I painfully walked into the kitchen and was getting some frozen peas out of the fridge to put on my side. Jasper was in the kitchen making some popcorn probably for movie night

"Bella are you ok?" Jasper asked then I realized that tears were forming in my eyes and they were probably bloodshot from the me crying earlier

"Why would you care?" I asked and Jasper was quiet for a second

"Bella I've known you since I was 5." Jasper said

"Although we're not the best of friends.-" Jasper said but I cut him off

"We are not friends." I said my voice a little shaky

"Anyways I know when you're hurting what's wrong?" Jasper asked a little concerned

"Let's just say I visited Charlie." I said my voice was thick why was I telling him this?

"Bella" Jasper said with a sigh about to comfort me and say something else because, he knew how Charlie could be but Alice came in glaring at me

"Come on Jazz get away from the slut. Before she sleeps with you to just like she cheated on Edward and slept with Rosalie's boyfriend." Alice said with venom in her voice. I don't know what happened but something inside me boiled.

"Alice shut the fuck up you do not know what happened you just went off of what Rosalie told you. You have no right to call me that you've probably had sex more times than me. So by calling me a slut technically you are calling yourself one too. You are the most annoying person I have ever met that cares more about clothes than people. I don't get what Jasper see's in you Oh yeah remember when you had long hair and got it cut really short like you have it now I lied that haircut looks terrible." I shouted angrily at Alice. Alice and Jasper had their mouths wide opened they were beyond shocked

"Well you're you're a backstabber." Alice stuttered

"Oh good comeback I'm so hurt." I said sarcastically and Alice shrieked and ran off and Jasper ran after her I went to the bathroom and pulled out my razor box lifted up my sleeve and cut myself three times. I bandaged myself up. I couldn't walk up the stairs so I put the frozen peas under my shirt on my side and felt instant relief from the burning pain. I took out my journal and wrote.

_Dear diary,_

_I tried to let fate take its course and drive my car off of the road but it didn't work I kicked some officer in the balls and got tazored twice for that. Charlie called me pathetic and didn't even know my full name he doesn't give a shit about me. Jake told me about his dad and I cried not from the tazor pain but from the emotional pain. I stood up for myself today Alice called me a slut and I called her out. Oh yeah So here I am on the couch with peas on my side._

_From the Bella that can finally stick up for her self_

I put the note Phil gave me in the journal closed and locked it I slowly drifted to sleep on the couch.

**So how was this chapter good or bad hit or miss. So you learned a little bit about Bella's past how she had a miscarriage. **

**And what did you think about Bella getting arrested, The Charlie encounter or Her sticking up for herself when her and Alice had a fight? Hey I wrote an extra long chapter please review I hope you liked this chapter. Review!**


	7. You’re on my heart just like a tattoo

**Hello, Howdy, Hola, Bonjour so sorry I haven't updated in a while thanks again for all of your reviews! I have a goal to get 100 yup I said 100 Reviews by my 10****th**** chapter so please review! Enjoy this chapter!**

I screamed into the pillow and heard several other screams I looked up and Emmett flickered the lights on and paused the movie.

"Fuck" I said aloud I forgot that I was on the couch and not in my bedroom everyone was looking at me for an answer I decided to ignore them and looked at my phone to see that it was late the next night holy crap. I slept for almost 24 hours stupid drugs messing with my sleeping habits. I saw that they were watching Paranormal activity no wonder why they screamed when I screamed I must have startled them.

"What the hell Bella?" Emmett said interrupting my thoughts I just ignored him and got up from the couch but quickly sat back down winced and swore underneath my breath. I looked at Edward and Tanya of course they were on the love seat together but when I looked at Edward I could see a hint of worry in his eyes but he quickly put on a mask so that his face was blank probably hoping that Tanya didn't notice but she did, she looked between me and Edward and started to kiss him furiously just to "remind" me that he was hers and Edward was never going to be with me again. I abruptly got up I'd rather be in physical pain than watch them make-out, I went to the kitchen and threw the now non-frozen watery peas in the trash. There was a knock at the door hopefully it is Jake.

I was going to get the door but Jasper got there first I looked to see that it was a police officer with the name tag Joe shit the same Joe that I kicked in the balls? The same Joe that tazored me?

"Is Isabella Swan here?" Joe asked Jasper

"Wait a minute." Jasper said to Joe and I mentioned to Jasper to tell him that I'm not here.

"Yeah she's here she'll be right there." Jasper said in a Cheery voice and I groaned and walked to the door and Jasper said to me.

"That's what you get when you mess with my girl." As childish as it was I just wanted to stick my tongue out at him.

"Yea hey um Joe." I said

"Isabella Swan sign here." Joe said while handing me a clip board and the paper was basically saying that they took the drug out of my truck and now are returning my truck back to me blah blah blah blah blah.

"Here's your keys" Joe sneered and gave my keys to me and I saw my truck was in the driveway. I shut the door and I'm going to do the best thing I can do get drunk.

12 Drunken hours later…

I awoke in a hazy fog ugh I was in my truck parked outside the house hopefully I didn't have any confrontations. I looked in my journal to see what happened but the page was blank shit I must have been really drunk. It was about 9:30 in the morning and I took a shower and what I saw shocked me It was a white bandage just above the waist of my jeans on my left side just left below my belly button.

After I got out of the shower I took off the bandage curious to see what was underneath it I gasped when I took off the bandage it was a tattoo medium size in black cursive writing it said Edward Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck! How stupid am I?!?!?! I put on dark blue skinny jeans with a black tee shirt and a grey zip up hoodie with the E necklace tucked into my shirt as always. I know why am I wearing clothes that aren't all black well that's because, all of my black sweats, pants, and sweatshirts are dirty.

Note to self do the laundry and get tattoo removed wait doesn't it hurt 100 times more getting a tattoo removed oh I know get drunk then get tattoo removed genius! My side didn't hurt from the tazor anymore yay! I went downstairs and started to pour some cereal I saw Tanya, Rosalie, and Alice laughing too loud the kind of laugh were they are trying to show me how much I'm missing out on. They became quiet and glared at me then whispered and looked over at me and me being me I flipped them off and they looked away but Rosalie said just loud enough for me to hear

"I knew she was a slut but I can't believe that she got knocked up at 18!" All of them giggled and I stopped pouring the cereal my heart just dropped and my whole body tensed up. How-how did they know the only people that knew was Renee, Phil, Charlie, and Emmett. _Emmett_ realization hit me that jackass. I am pissed beyond pissed off. I stormed upstairs and started looking in the rooms for Emmett. I opened the door next to my door Edward's room and there was Jasper, Edward, and Emmett playing video games. I looked on Edwards dresser and saw XL condoms ugh he has such a huge ego. **(An: hahahahahahhahahahahahhahaha)**

"Emmett" I said but he ignored me pretending like I wasn't even there.

"Emmett" I said with more force but he didn't budge. I took the TV remote and turned off the TV. Edward, Jasper, and Emmett glared at me

"What is your problem?" Emmett asked me

"Wh-How-ugh-I" I said I was so pissed that I couldn't even talk

"Are you drunk?" Emmett asked I closed my eyes to try to calm myself down then opened them.

"No Emmett I am not drunk" I said trying to keep my voice steady

"How could you do that to me?" I continued Everyone had a questioning look on their faces

"Emmett can I talk to you in private?" I hinted and Jasper and Edward left shutting the door after them but were probably still outside.

"I don't know how many hospital meds that I was hopped up on which must have been a lot since I trusted you." I said pissed my voice was high then comprehension flickered across Emmett's face.

"How could you do that to Edward and Rosalie?" Emmett asked

"Damn it Emmett why do you always have to bring that up in every conversation we have?" I yelled at him and he was silent but I decided to interrupt the silence and asked why did he tell Rosalie he responded by saying

"Because, she asked about why you said when you were drunk that I was just like Charlie when I didn't visit you."

"Oh so if someone asks you that makes it ok to tell someone about one of the hardest event that I had to deal with in my life? And then I had to hear Rosalie laugh about it!" I said to Emmett furiously

"Rose wouldn't do that." Emmett snapped back defensively

"Ok Emmett I'm so freakin tired of you treating me like crap. I'm over this" I said holding my hands up in surrender and opened the door and pushed through Edward and Jasper.

I practically ran down stairs and out the doors and drove my truck to somewhere I never had gone before and should have gone earlier. Carter's grave…

**(An: I was going to end it here but I want to keep writing)**

I went to Carter's grave and after a little while I found his grave Carter Edward Swan I sat next to his grave and just sat there.

"Carter, Carter Edward Swan" I said aloud

"I'm sorry for not visiting you but I want you to know that-that" My voice was thick with tears but I continued "That from the first time I see you on the ultra sound I loved you I wish that you were here with me. Honestly I'd rather you be here than me. I miss you. I would have been a great mom always putting you first and and-" I said aloud but I burst into tears and laid down next to the grave and a few hours it started to rain but I could care less.

2 days later…

I haven't went back to the house since mine and Emmett's argument I was still at Carter's grave going sometimes to eat and etc. I got up and went back to the house when I got home Emmett and Edward was in the kitchen.

"Where the hell were you Bella?" He asked and noticed that I was dripping wet and in the same clothes as I was in last time I saw him

"Really Emmett are we going to start this again?" I said and went upstairs to take a much needed shower and got changed I cut my arm a little too much but I needed it I was in too much pain. I bandaged the cuts up and wrote into my journal

Dear Diary,

So the usual happened in the past days Rosalie was a bitch and Emmett was an asshole I can't believe that he would tell Rosalie that I was pregnant so pissed off right now. And I visited Carter's grave for the first time and it was something that I needed to do and did I mention Edward has a huge ego?

From, A pissed off Bella

I went downstairs and out the door to my truck and went over Jacob's house When he opened the door he hugged me and picked me up over his shoulder and bought me in his house.

"Jake" I giggled and he put me down on his couch we joked around for a little bit and then he took me outside to his garage and showed me a motorcycle and I whistled and Jacob laughed.

"Wanna ride it?" Jacob asked

"Hell yes!" I said

"Wait I don't know how to ride a motorcycle." I said and Jacob laughed

"Don't worry Bells I'll drive you just hold onto my waist." Jake said Jacob got on then I got on and put my hands on his waist and the engine roared which startled me. The motorcycle ride was smooth and we stopped at this beach I saw a pack of shirtless guys jumping off of a cliff and Jacob noticed who I was staring at.

"What are they doing?" I asked

"Cliff diving a total adrenaline rush." Jacob said

"I have never jumped off that cliff I usually jump off the mini ones. But stay away from Sam and his gang." Jacob said

"Why?" I asked

"They're bad news Bella even I'm scared of them." Jacob said and I nodded knowing that he wanted to drop the conversation. Jacob gave me a ride back to my house and promised to drop off my tuck back at the house he hugged me before I went back inside and Edward was about to go out the door with Tanya and I swore I saw a hint of jealously in his eyes but I must have been mistaken Edward hates me.

**How'd you guys like this chapter? What did you think about Bella's tattoo? Review!**


	8. Elevator

**Hey people thanks for all of the reviews I was pumped when I found out that so much people reviewed! I take the time to read every review and the reviews mean so much to me. Thanks. My goal is still to get 100 reviews by chapter 10! Enjoy!**

I woke up my body sore. I was starting to feel the withdraw symptoms of not having pain killers. I went to my sock drawer and found 3 pills and eagerly gulped them down (I know what a spiffy place to keep drugs). I took a shower and my strawberry shampoo filled the air instantly relaxing me I got my clothes out of the laundry and put on black skinny jeans with a black long sleeve shirt and my E necklace. I checked my envy 3 black cell phone to see it was about 10:00 am I texted Jacob

_Hey Jakey whats up?_

A little bit later he texted

_Fixing up some motorcycles txt yu later Bellsy_

That text was immediately followed by another one

_You can come over I'll be in the garage_

I texted him back

_Kay_

I went down all of the stairs to see Jasper and Edward and some random guy next to an elevator whoa whoa whoa! Jasper and Edward bought an elevator for the house?! The elevator was the size of a hotel one and probably could fit 8 people in there! When I walked into the room the random guy wolf-whistled at me and was staring at my chest I folded my arms across my chest I absolutely hated when people did that to me it made me feel dirty after what happened.

"Ahem." Jasper cleared his throat in annoyance

"Oh um yeah" He said still looking at me but then he looked down at his clipboard then at Jasper and Edward.

"Sign here" He said handing the clipboard to Edward and Jasper then I noticed that he was walking towards me crap. It was to late to turn around since They were only 5 feet away from me.

"Hey I'm Embry" he said he had dark skin was shorter then Jacob (of course who isn't?) had Black short hair a buzz cut type hairstyle and a tattoo of some sort **(AN: it is the wolf tattoo from new moon)** I could see Edward shooting daggers with his eyes at the back of Embry's head.

"Yea I can tell it says Embry on your name tag. I have to go." I said a little bit distracted and I turned around but he caught my arm and I winced a little because, of the cuts and bruises I had on my arms.

"Aren't you going to tell me your name?" He pleaded

"Aren't you going to do your job?" I snapped at him getting annoyed and jerked my arm away from him I turned around and started walking but he grabbed my waist and turned me around.

"Here's my number can I have yours babe?" Embry said trying to play in cool and handed me his number on a piece of paper.

"Don't freakin touch me." I told him

"Frisky nice." He said

"Look I'm taken and I don't think my boyfriend would like it if some random guy was trying to feel me up." I said and ripped his hands off of my waist and pinned them to his sides.

"Why are the hot ones always taken?" He asked himself and started to walk away. Recognition hit me.

"Wait" I said and he turned around smiling Edward and Jasper gave me a what the fuck look. Embry was one of those shirtless guys that was cliff diving the same ones Jacob warned me about.

"Do-Do you know Jacob Black?" I whispered

"Yeah we used to be friends but I found a better group of friends a couple weeks ago." He whispered back

"Are you Bella?" He asked and I nodded

"Wow Jacob the pansy told me that you were hot but wow you are smoking hot." He whispered while wiggling his eyebrows and I punched him in his arm not hard but he winced ha ha pansy

"Don't call my friend Jacob any names" I whispered a tad bit threating but he just nodded and walked towards Edward and Jasper I followed him wanting to see the elevator.

"Okay the elevator is ready for use" Embry said

"Dude want to get your swimsuit and meet me at the pool?" Jasper asked

"Sure" Edward said his velvet voice rough he hit the elevator button up. I noticed that I forgot my jacket so when the elevator doors opened Edward walked in and I walked in after him I was going to press the 3rd floor button but Edward's hand beat me to it but my hand brushed up against his and I felt an electric shock. I quickly pulled away and stood at the opposite side of the elevator as him. All of a sudden the elevator stopped and the lights flickered off but then the emergency lights flickered on. Edward frantically pushed the buttons but nothing happened.

"Shit" Edward said underneath his breath. I just remembered that I had Embry's number I called him on my phone and on the first ring he picked up.

"Hello?" Embry said-asked

"Hey it's Bella" I said

"Bella so you do want to go on a date with me?" Embry asked excitedly

"No I do not want to go on a freakin date with you." I said annoyed and as soon as I said that Edward looked over to me.

"The elevator is stuck can you fix it?" I asked hopefully

"Yea babe I'm still at your house it was take about 5 maybe 6 hours." Embry said

"What?!" I practically yelled 6 hours in an elevator with Edward alone!

"Don't worry my crew will work fast to get it running. Bye" He said and I hung up.

"Fuck" I swore

"6 hours till they get the elevator working." I told Edward and his face dropped 6 hours stuck in a crammed place with Edward great note my heavy sarcasm. I called Jacob to cancel the plans.

"Hey Jake" I breathed

"Bella you sound pissed off" Jake said worried

"Yea I'm stuck in an elevator with Dickward for 6 hours minimum." I said Jake laughed

"Hey I'm right here" Edward said annoyed that I called him that

"Unfortunately" I muttered but he heard me

"So yea I can't come over today maybe later on though." I said

"Oh okay" Jacob said trying not to sound too disappointed

"Hey do you know anyone named Embry?" I asked him

"No" Jacob answered a little too fast I could tell that he was lying and he hung up.

I looked over at Edward he had on grey sweatpants and a navy blue shirt with white writing that had University of Alaska written on it and the shirt perfectly hugged his light muscles.

"You got accepted?" I asked eyeing his tee shirt trying to make the best of the situation by starting a conversation.

"Yea yesterday." Edward said

"Following in Carlisle's foot prints?" I asked

"Yea I'm going there to major in the medical field." He said I remembered that Edward always wanted to go to medical school.

"Let me guess you're going to minor in music." I said as I sat down and he sat down too.

"No I'm not into music anymore." He said and my jaw dropped Edward was so great at music and he enjoyed that so much he wrote me a lullaby on the piano that he would play for me and hum tome all of the time. But then I thought did he stop playing because, his music reminded him too much of us and what we had. I stopped doing things that reminded me of Edward.

"Oh" Was the only response I could come up with.

"So who's your boyfriend? Is it that guy who always hangs out with you Jimmy?" Edward asked and I could of swore he was a little bit jealous.

"No I'm single and the guys name is Jacob. I only said I was taken so that, that creep would stop bugging me." I said and moved over a little closer to Edward and he did the same.

"So how are things with Tanya hot and heavy?" I asked him I don't know why I asked that I just set myself to get hurt

"Things are great." Edward said and It felt like a knife just went through my heart.

"Just don't have elevator sex in here." I said Edward was about to say something but I started talking before him.

"Look I know you two are sleeping together because, you too are really loud and my room is next to yours. Also, I saw your XL condoms on your dresser huge ego much?" I rambled on.

"When is rent due?" I asked Edward to break the silence

"Friday" he responded

"Shit" I said I don't have that kind of money Edward gave me a questioning look

"I'm broke" I explained me and Edward were now sitting side by side next too each other I could smell his 'Edward scent' that smelled so good. Edward ruffled his hand though my hair and I froze. Then I realized that he used to do that all the time when we were dating because, he loved the smell of my strawberry shampoo. He froze realizing what he was doing and pulled away. I sighed and hours passed by and we just talked it was nice.

"You know this conversation doesn't change anything between us Bella." Edward said

"I know" I sighed then gave him a sad smile. It was silent until Edward spoke up

"How are you?" Edward asked

"I'm doing the best I can what did you expect me skipping around whistling show tunes? You know me better than that." **(AN: from new moon)** I said

"Well it wasn't really I walk in the park for me." Edward said bitterly

"Why would you cheat on me Bella I loved you Bella." Edward said his voice was strained and I could tell how much this hurt him.

"I don't know." I lied

"Edward" I said my voice nervous scared and full of pain he seemed to pick up on it and his piercing green eyes met my brown eyes.

"I-I" I stuttered Come on Bella you can say it its only three words tell him that you were raped tell him.

"I-I'm sorry" I said chickening out at the last minute I couldn't tell him that he would think that I was the biggest whore ever.

"How long are you staying here for?" Edward asked

"I don't know." I said I couldn't go back to Phil and if I don't want to mooch off of Jacob

"I think it would be best for us if you left when I said that I never wanted to see you or talk to you again I meant it." Edward harshly said building up a wall between me and him again. Ouch. I didn't know how to respond. Tears started to build up but I fought against them.

"I have no where to go." I said my voice vulnerable All of a sudden the elevator started moving and Edward immediately stood up so did I the doors opened and Tanya hugged Edward when he came out.

"Eddie!" She sneered I fast-walked out of the elevator and I saw Edward looking at me concerned I gave him a sad half smile that didn't reach my eyes. Edward pulled away from Tanya and walked towards me.

"Be safe Bella and don't do anything reckless" He whispered and went back to Tanya. I went to my room. Then it all hit me at once I'll probably never be able to talk to Edward again, hold him, kiss him, see him again I took out my razor and silent tears dripped down my face as I cut myself deep multiple times I bandaged the cuts up but they still bleed I had to rinse out the cuts which stung like hell and re bandaged them. I called Jacob saying I'll be over in a few. I grabbed my jacket and walked to my truck and the keys were there Jacob must have dropped the truck off late last night.

I got to Jacobs and walked to his garage there were two motorcycles He was underneath a car working on it that must be his 'Rabbit' car he was always talking about.

"Hey Jake" I said and he pulled out from underneath the car

"Hey Bells." Jacob said I looked at him his white tee was stained with grease and oil so was his jeans

"Wanna ride motorcycles?" Jacob asked "I'll teach you." He said before I could answer

I remembered Edward telling me not to do anything reckless.

"Sure" I said a bit too excitingly

"Why do you always hold yourself like that?" Jacob asked

"Like you're going to fall apart." Jacob motioned to my arms wrapped around my sides I didn't notice that I was doing that.

"Jake I'm not a car that you can fix. I'm never going to work right." I said my voice choked with tears **(AN: Another quote from the movie new moon)**

"Let me get changed" Jacob said later he came back out and had cleaner clothes on.

"Ready to ride?" Jacob asked and I just nodded

"Ok slowly let go of the clutch" Jake said and I let go a little too fast.

"Whoa whoa whoa Bella" He said and I stopped

"Slowly" He warned I tried to go again but let off too fast again and was speeding down the dirt rode I was about to crash into some rocks.

"Brake Brake" Jacob yelled but it was too late I crashed and hit my head on a rock Jacob came speeding over with his motorcycle.

"Bella here" Jacob said taking off his shirt and pressing it to my forehead.

"Your sorta beautiful." I said to Jacob and he gave me a sad half smile. **(AN: also from new moon)**

"How hard did you hit your head Bella?"

"Hello Biceps you know Jake steroids are really bad for you."** (You guessed it also from da da da new moon!) ** I said Eyeing his body and how muscular he's become. Jacob laughed and eventually the bleeding stopped so I didn't have to go to the ER. We walked back to his garage.

"Jake?" I asked

"Yea Bella." He said

"Can I have some oxycontin pain killers?" I asked and Jake sighed

"I just gave you some." Jacob said

"I ate them all." I said looking at the ground I hated how the drugs made me this desperate.

"What! Bella there was at least 20 pills in there!" Jacob yelled

"I know. Can I have some?" I asked trying to get to the point

"Wh-No!" Jake said he seemed to angry to speak

"Please Jake" I begged

"No what if you overdose Bella then I would blame myself for giving you the pills." Jacob said

"I'm not going to overdose." I said trying to keep my voice steady

"How many pills do you have a day?" Jacob asked and I was silent

"How many!" Jacob yelled

"Four maybe five." I said ashamed of how bad my addiction has became

"Shit Bells. You need to stop." Jacob said

"No" I answered to fast

"Well you're not getting them from me." Jacob said angry realizing that nothing could be done to stop my addiction.

"I'll just get them from Embry" I threatened

"I told you to stay away from them." Jacob warned

"So you do know Embry." I said

"Damn it Bella stay away from them I care too much about you to see you doing this you're killing yourself!" Jacob raised his voice

"Jacob you know how hard this is you do drugs to." I said then Jacob was silent and then it hit me I've never seen Jacob do any drugs.

"You don't do drugs?" I said my voice puzzled

"No I don't I just sell them to help pay for my dad's medical bills." Jake admitted

"Bye" I said hopping into my truck and I took out my cell to call Embry.

"Hey it's Bella" I said when I picked up

"Hey-" Embry said but I cut him off

"I don't want to go on a date with you I just want some drugs" I sighed

"Cool " Embry said and gave me the address to meet him to get the drugs. When I got there it was a log cabin type place. I knocked on the door and Embry answered.

"Come on in. Sam doesn't like it when you stare at Emily" He said and whispered that last part and I couldn't help but feel a little creeped out. There was a bunch of guys and a girl. The girl which I'm guessing is Emily had a huge scar on her face but I quickly looked away and a guy kissed her on the cheek.

"Can I have some oxycontin?" I asked

"Sure 200 dollars for 20 pills. I'm Sam by the way and this is Emily my girl." Sam said he introduced me to all of the guys.

"I only have 100" I said and handed the cash to Quil

"10 pills then." He said and handed me the pills all of a sudden there was a knock at the door.

"It's Jake" Paul warned

"Don't let him in" Sam said but it was too late Jacob already opened the door and grabbed my arm and dragged me out of the house.

"Damn it Bella give me the pills." Jacob said

"I don't have any I'm broke and they wouldn't give me any." I lied through my teeth

"Bull shit" Jacob said It was kind of annoying that he was so protective of me but it was kind of hot too I remember how Edward used to protectively put his arm around me whenever a guy looked at me. Jacob put his motorcycle in the back of my truck and Got in the driver's side I got in the passenger's side and we rode to my house in silence. I got out my journal and started writing

Dear Diary,

So I spent 6 hours cooped up in an elevator with Edward which was great (I'm not being sarcastic) until he told me he never wants to see me or talk to me again. Being with him made me realize how much I love Edward and never will be with him again. I wonder if I should move on I'm trying to but I can't. Jacob taught me how to ride a motor cycle kind of and is currently pissed at me which sucks.

From, a Bella that is in love with Edward

"What are you doing?" Jacob asked

"Writing" I said and quickly shut my journal and put it in the glove compartment.

We walked into my house and when we got in Edward and Rosalie was standing in the kitchen they looked like they just got done with and argument and they were staring at me and Jake.

"Bye Jake" I said in a sad voice

"Wait" Jake said and spun me around Edward and Rosalie was still starring at us and he kissed me…

**WHOA BABY! What a cliff hanger! I had a bunch of reviews saying that I needed more Edward Bella interaction so I decided to put that in this chapter! **

**What did you think about Edward and Bella in the Elevator or Embry, Jacob and Bella's fight, or Jacob kissing Bella?? Review! This is a realllllllllllllllyyyyyyyy long chapter so please review!**


	9. Edward's POV

**EDWARD'S POV!!!!!!!!! Hey some of my reviewers suggested that I do last chappy in Edward's point of view and I thought that would be a swell idea! Yes I just did say swell. Thanks for all of the reviews! Here's Edward's POV for the chapter elevator. Enjoy!**

Edward's POV

Beep Beep Beep ugh I groaned as I turned off my alarm Me and Jasper had to wake up early to meet some elevator guy. Don't ask why we need a elevator for a 5 story house because, I don't know the answer I think Emmett just wanted an elevator because, he has so much money and doesn't know what to do with it. I kissed Tanya on the cheek careful not to wake her up I mean the night we had together last night was amazing. I hope Emmett didn't hear us I could already hear him joking about it. I got a shower put on grey sweatpants and grabbed a random shirt on the ground which happened to be my new university of Alaska tee shirt. I put on my T necklace** (AN: If you don't remember from the first few chapters Tanya also has an E necklace and Edward has a T necklace) **I went downstairs to meet Jasper who was already talking to the guy. The guy Embry was going on and on about the elevator but all I could think about was Tanya. I was interrupted from my thoughts by Embry wolf whistling Then I noticed that Bella had walked into the room. I noticed he was staring at her chest but she quickly folded her arms across her chest I could tell that she felt really uncomfortable.

"Ahem." Jasper cleared his throat in annoyance

"Oh um yeah" He said still looking at Bella but then he looked down at his clipboard then at Jasper and me.

"Sign here" He said handing the clipboard to me and Jasper

"Hey I'm Embry" he said What is his freakin problem he can't just go up to my girlfriend and hit on her whoa what the hell Edward Bella is not your girlfriend you hate her she cheated on you. I said to myself

"Yea I can tell it says Embry on your name tag. I have to go." Bella said a little bit distracted and she turned around but he caught her arm I think I growled a little.

"Aren't you going to tell me your name?" He pleaded

"Aren't you going to do your job?" Bella snapped at him getting annoyed and ripped her arm away from him she turned around and started walking but he grabbed her waist and turned her around.

"Here's my number can I have yours babe?" Embry said trying to play in cool and handed what it looked like to be his number to Bella.

"Don't freakin touch me." Bella told him what's with Bella and not wanting anyone to touch her she's a cheating slut and people touch her all of the time?

"Frisky nice." He said oh fuck no

"Look I'm taken and I don't think my boyfriend would like it if some random guy was trying to feel me up." Bella said and ripped his hands off of her waist and pinned them to his sides. Boyfriend Bella is dating someone else? My heart dropped what am I doing I'm not supposed to feel protective or her or jealous She cheated on me.

"Why are the hot ones always taken?" He asked himself and started to walk away. Yes perv get away from Bella.

"Wait" she said and he turned around smiling What is she giving him her number or something. I gave her a what the hell look and so did Jasper. They were whispering about something and Embry must have said something to tick Bella off because, she punched him.

"Okay the elevator is ready for use" Embry said I wanted to freaking rip this dude's head off.

"Dude want to get your swimsuit and meet me at the pool?" Jasper asked

"Sure" I said my voice was rough from all of the stress rough I hit the elevator button up. when the elevator doors opened I walked in and Bella walked in after me I went to press the 3rd floor button and Bella's hand brushed up against mine and I felt an electric shock. I hated how she made me feel. How even after what happened I could still feel something between us. She quickly pulled away and stood at the opposite side of the elevator as me. All of a sudden the elevator stopped and the lights flickered off but then the emergency lights flickered on. I frantically pushed the buttons but nothing happened.

"Shit" I said underneath his breath I'm going to die before I get to start University of Alaska and am going to die in an elevator with the person I hate the most.

"Hey it's Bella" Bella said but I wasn't paying attention

"No I do not want to go on a freakin date with you." Bella said annoyed and my head snapped up and I looked at her.

"The elevator is stuck can you fix it?" Bella asked

"What?!" Bella yelled and that startled me

"Fuck" Bella swore

"6 hours till they get the elevator working." Bella told me and my heart stopped 6 hours alone with the person I hate…

"Hey Jake" Bella said mad

"Yea I'm stuck in an elevator with Dickward for 6 hours minimum." Bella said

"Hey I'm right here" I said annoyed that she called me that I had the urge to call Tanya and say hey I'm stuck in an elevator with the whore but I didn't have my cell on me.

"Unfortunately" She muttered under her breath

"So yea I can't come over today maybe later on though." She said

"Hey do you know anyone named Embry?" She asked Jake why is she asking if Jacob knows the elevator guy?

She looked over at me and I looked at her she was wearing black as usual and was really beautiful.

"You got accepted?" She asked

"Yea yesterday." I said not wanting to talk

"Following in Carlisle's foot prints?" She asked drop the conversation

"Yea I'm going there to major in the medical field." I said

"Let me guess you're going to minor in music." Bella's musical voice said I sat down and she sat down too.

"No I'm not into music anymore." I said and her jaw dropped I'm not really into anything that reminds me of Bella.

"Oh" She said at a loss for words

"So who's your boyfriend? Is it that guy who always hangs out with you Jimmy?" I said purposely messing up his name and I couldn't help the jealously that came out in my voice.

"No I'm single and the guys name is Jacob. I only said I was taken so that, that creep would stop bugging me." She said and I breathed a sigh of relief and moved a little bit closer to her and she did the same

"So how are things with Tanya hot and heavy?" She asked me but then she looked like she regretted asking that question.

"Things are great." I said happily wanting to rub my happiness in as much as possible

"Just don't have elevator sex in here." Bella said and that shocked me I was about to say my sex life is none of your business but she said

"Look I know you two are sleeping together because, you too are really loud and my room is next to yours. Also, I saw your XL condoms on your dresser huge ego much?" UGH if she heard Emmett must of heard great I'm looking forward to Emmett's jokes.

"When is rent due?" She asked me breaking the silence

"Friday" I responded robotically

"Shit" She said

"I'm broke" She explained well she'll probably strip to get the money Bella and I were now sitting side by side next too each other I could smell her strawberry shampoo and instinctively I ruffled my hand though her hair and she froze. Then I realized that he used to do that all the time when we were dating because, I loved the smell of her strawberry shampoo. I froze realizing what I was doing and pulled away. I sighed and hours passed by and we just talked it was nice.

"You know this conversation doesn't change anything between us Bella." I said sternly I didn't want her to think that she was back in my life. If she gets back into my life she's just going to find someway to hurt me again.

"I know" She said sad but knew that I was going to say that

"How are you?" I couldn't help but ask

"I'm doing the best I can what did you expect me skipping around whistling show tunes? You know me better than that." **(AN: from new moon)** she said and that answer hurt she bought this upon herself she cheated on me.

"Well it wasn't really I walk in the park for me." I said bitterly

"Why would you cheat on me Bella I loved you Bella." I said my voice was strained and this hurt me so much I loved her unconditionally.

"I don't know." She said she didn't know?! What a slut I wonder how many guys she slept with while we were dating 4 maybe 6?!

"Edward" She said her voice was genuine yet full of pain and I knew something was off I gave my full attention to her staring into her beautiful brown eyes which had a hint of pain behind them

"I-I" She stuttered ugh please don't burst into tears save them for someone who cares I thought thinking this was an act but she said

"I-I'm sorry" she said that like she meant that

"How long are you staying here for?" I asked wanting to get this over with I couldn't stand if Bella was here I couldn't see her in so much pain

"I don't know." She said at this point I'd give her rent for an apartment for her to move away

"I think it would be best for us if you left when I said that I never wanted to see you or talk to you again I meant it." I said a little bit too harsh but I needed to make sure she would Bella looked like she just had the wind knocked out of her and her eyes started to water but she turned away.

"I have no where to go." She said her voice vulnerable and I instantly hated myself for making her feel this way but she cheated on my and broke my heart stomped it bloodless it was just a game for her how long could she cheat on me with out me knowing. All of a sudden the elevator started moving and I immediately stood up so did Bella the doors opened and Tanya came running up to me and gave me a hug.

"Eddie!" She said her voice high with excitement. Bella practically ran out of the elevator but I wanted to tell her one last thing

"Be safe Bella and don't do anything reckless" I whispered and went back to Tanya. It's funny how in the morning all I could think of was Tanya but now all I could think of was Bella. Tanya kissed me but when I kissed her it didn't feel right. I pulled away from her. I got on my swimsuit and took the stairs down to the pool. When I got there only Jasper was there.

"Cannonball!" I screamed and jumped in the pool splashing Jasper in the process.

"How was 6 hours in heaven with Bella?" Jasper asked I sighed

"Dude you aren't falling for her are you?" Jasper asked

"Hell no" I said a little too quickly

"It's just when I was in the elevator with her all of the old feelings I had for her came to me all at once." I admitted I could talk to Jasper about this stuff

"She cheated on you end of story." Jasper sighed

"Look Tanya is a meatball sub zesty sauce and Bella is oatmeal why would you trade in a meatball sub for oatmeal?" Jasper asked

"Your right" I said not sure but just wanting to end this conversation I got changed and went down the stairs to see Rosalie.

"Hey Rosalie" I said and she asked the same thing as Jasper did how was my time with Bella but instead of calling her Bella she called her backstabbing whore.

"You probably caught an STD from her by just breathing in the same air as her that's how infected she is." Rosalie bitched

"Shut up" Came out of my mouth

"What? Don't tell me your starting to like that slut!" Rosalie said startled by my response

"I think that you should be a little less bitchy to her." I said starting to get pissed at Rosalie

"Oh I'm the one being bitchy have you seen the way you treat her you treat her 10x worse than anyone has ever treated her." Rosalie screamed back at me and I was at a loss for words she was right and before I had time to respond Bella and Jacob walked in Bella looked sad and Jacob looked pissed

"Bye Jake" Bella said in a depressed voice Jake looked like he was deciding if he was going to do something

"Wait" Jacob said and spun her around and kissed her

**How'd you like Edward's POV review!**


	10. From 6 days to 6 months

**Hey people I reached my 100+ reviews goal by chapter 10 Do you guys think that I should write more chapters in other people's point of views? Enjoy this chapter!**

_Previously…"Wait" Jacob said and spun me around and kissed me_

Bella's POV

Jacob's lips crushed to mine. His hand was on the back of my neck. I wasn't ready for this kind of physical contact. I was panicking every memory of Phil came back to me all at once. Jacob's lips were still rough kissing me with passion. I shoved hard against his chest his lips were no longer on mine.

"What the hell?" I practically yelled at Jacob running my hand through my hair rejection hit Jacob

"I'm sorry I just had to I have to find some reason to come back. But I have none now." Jacob said and turned around

"What the hell are you talking about Jake?" I asked taking in his words and he put his hand on the back of his neck something he did when he was nervous.

"Here lets talk outside." I suggested and we went out the door Jacob took a deep breath

"I got a call yesterday and I have to go back." Jacob said

"Go back to where?" I said still confused

"Iraq I joined the army a year ago and now they're calling me back into war and since I have no one to go back to I'll just go and see what happens and if I die I die." Jacob said in a monotone voice.

"Jacob don't you dare say anything like that. How could you say that Jacob?!" I said angry and there was silence.

"You don't love me." Jake said

"I love you Jake but I'm not in love with you I love you like a brother." I told Jacob as hard as it was I had to, I realized that I could never love Jacob as much as I love Edward I am always comparing Jacob to Edward how tall he is, how he drives.**(AN: you can check the past chapters Bella does compare Jacob to Edward.)** The song Thinking of you by Katy Perry suddenly came in my head Once you've been with the person that you know is right for you second best is the best you can do Jacob is second best but no one could ever love me I'm a dirty whore and I can never fully love someone.

"You have to promise me that you'll try, try to survive." I said looking into Jacob's sad eyes but he didn't answer

"Promise me." I said with more force

"I promise." Jacob said his voice had no emotion

"How long do you have here?" I asked Jacob

"1 week" Jacob's voice said solemnly

"How could they do that just take you away from me?" I asked Jacob but Jacob just gave me a hug

"Why did you join Jake?" I asked him

"I joined to get enough money to pay for my dad's medical bills. The drug selling wasn't helping that much I needed more money." Jacob said still hugging me

_6 days later…_

"So this is goodbye?" Jacob stated but said it more like a question

"Yeah come back Jacob" I said tears were starting to blur my vision even though there was thousands of people around us it just felt like Jacob and I were the only ones in the airport.

"Can I call you. Were you're going I mean?" I asked

"No there basically no phones, or computers." Jacob said and he looked just as sad as I was he had on full army suit camouflage and light brown boots.

"Here I can write you, you can get letters right?" I asked hopefully

"Yes but only by airmail so I can get mail but you should number the letters in case they get to me out of order." Jacob said **(AN: Like dear John)**

"NOW BOARDING MILITARY PLANE 37" The loud speaker said

"Bye Jake" I said

"Bye Bells" Jacob said and I started to cry and Jacob engulfed me in a hug and gave me a kiss on the cheek and he was gone for 360 days 12 months 1 year with no Jacob

I ran to my truck and that is where I burst into tears it was light out when I took Jacob to the airport but when I finally stopped crying it was dark out I looked in my rear view mirror I was a mess my eyes were red and puffy my hair was messy so I put my hair up in a hair pony tail and started driving home. I was just so pissed and depressed that I didn't want to talk to anyone. Luckily Edward had started college a few days ago so I haven't been seeing him lately but it's kind of weird having more people around Edward has been tons of his college buddies home. And I got a job at Newton's sporting goods I was still crying by the time I got home I wiped the tears out of my eyes and forced them to stop. It was about 10pm when I got home. I walked in I heard Edward's musical laughter filled the air he had his arm around Tanya. And he had some of his college friends over.

"BELLA" A girl's voice said in a cheery way before I knew it I was engulfed in a hug

"Jane?" My voice said a little hoarse from crying I hardly recognized her she had blonde hair, and her bright blue eyes looked happy instead of painful, she had a university of Alaska sweat shirt on.

"Hey Bella how are you?" She asked I met Jane after I was in the hospital for attempting to commit suicide Renee put me in a cutting group Me and Jane became friends but I dropped out of that class after two classes and never saw her until now. Jane cut herself because, she was raped but she didn't loose her virginity to rape it was her 2nd time when she was raped. She told me that I was the first person she had told but I didn't tell her why I had cut.

"Fine" I answered robotically

"Do you live here or something?" Jane asked and I just nodded

"So you must know Edward, and Tanya and that's Joe, and Steve my boyfriend from College here why don't you come sit on the couch and we all could hang out." Jane suggested and Edward, Tanya Joe, and Steve were all staring at me and Jane.

"Tempting hanging out with my ex and his new girlfriend I think that would be a bit awkward especially when all he does is call me a slut." I said that's probably the most I've said all day.

"Oh sorry Bella why don't I give you my number and we can talk." Jane insisted

"I already have your number." I said numb my voice had no emotion.

"So yeah I'm good to I've told more people about what happened it's made dealing with it so much better. Steve is really supportive and look I'm clean I haven't cut in almost a year!" Jane said while pulling up her sleeves and all I could just do was nod.

"Bella what's wrong you look like you're about to break down crying." Jane said her voice was less peppy. I opened my mouth to speak but couldn't think of a lie.

"I-I'm fine just can you not tell anyone that I cut before I'm clean too haven't cut in months!" I whispered excitingly

"Ok" Jane said a little skeptically

"Hey Jane what are you doing talking to that slut?" Tanya yelled Jane looked like she was about to say something to defend me but I said

"Jane I'm used to it just don't worry about it." I said giving her a sad smile I had to go I was about to break down. I pressed the up elevator button and stepped in

"I forgot my book I'll be right back" Edward said and as he walked towards the elevator but I pushed the close doors button before he got on I started crying in the elevator. I ran to my room but when I got in Edward was there.

"Bella?" Edward voice asked questioningly

"Shit I thought this was my room." I said and wiped my eyes of the tears and went to my room that always happens since mine and Edward's rooms are so close together sometimes I accidently go into his room and sometimes he accidently goes in my room.

I slammed the door of my room and I turned up my stereo all the way and the song I'm so sick by flyleaf blasted through the speakers It was so loud that it probably could have been heard from downstairs on the first floor and I was on the third floor. Why'd Phil have to rape me it's ruining my life I can't love or trust anyone the way I used to. This secret is eating me alive I just want to scream I was raped tell someone.

Without thinking I grabbed my black sharpie and wrote on my wall in all caps I WAS RAPED the words were big and took up the size of about 3 posters The song changed to Again by flyleaf I took out my razor and slit my wrist instantly relaxing me.

I plopped down on my bed and cried sobbed actually I cried about everything Phil raping me and abusing me, Emmett hating me, everyone calling me slut or a whore, Carter, my addiction to cutting and drugs, Jacob leaving, and never being able to love someone fully. I felt crappy whenever I feel this bad I just want to talk to Emmett.

This is the biggest fight me and Emmett have been in the last time we got in a fight this big was when I was 6 and Emmett was 8.

_Flashback_

_I was playing on the swing set at the park with Emmy, my mommy just got me some chocolate ice cream yum but no ice cream for Emmy because, he pushed a boy in the sandbox. I was swinging on the swings when Emmett stopped me_

"_Hey! I was about to swing over the top!" I yelled at Emmett he was being a meany pants today._

"_Can I have a lick of your ice cream Bellsy?" Emmett asked_

"_No you meathead!" I screamed at him and I childishly stuck my tongue out_

"_Gimme the ice cream." Emmy yelled he sounded like a bear and tried to rip the ice cream cone out of my hand and I accidently smooshed the chocolate ice cream all over his favorite hot wheels tee shirt._

_End Flashback_

He didn't talk to me for a week that was the second biggest fight we've been in the fight we're in now is the first and that says a lot. I took some pain meds and Shit I just realized what I wrote on the wall shit shit shit someone's going to see that. I left the stereo on and ran down the stairs to my truck I went to the hardware store to buy black paint I raced home I practically ran up the stairs opened all of the windows and painted a huge black stripe about the size of 3 posters where I wrote those words and covered them up. The song Pain by three days grace played and after that song I turned off the stereo and passed out.

_Dream_

"_Hey whore" Phil said and I ignored him _

"_Hey slut" Phil screamed again_

"_Hey why won't you answer when I call your name?" Phil asked_

"_ANSWER ME!" Phil said while grabbing a handful of my hair when I whimpered he threw me against a wall and picked me up by my arm_

"_Say it" Phil screamed in my face I could smell the alcohol in his breath_

"_I'm a dirty whore who no one will ever love how can anyone love me when I'm used and the worst part about it, is it's all my fault." I whispered Phil always made me say this _

"_I can't here you" Phil said and squeezed my arm hard_

"_I'm a dirty slut!" I yelled_

"_That's right and don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise and if they are they are lying." Phil said his words stabbed me harder than any other blade could he released me and threw in some kicks and went back to eating his spaghetti._

"_I told you I didn't want sauce on my pasta! Bitch can't you do anything right?" Phil screamed and threw his beer bottle at me shit he's a good aim the glass shattered against my arms and it took 3 hours to get all of the little pieces out of my arm._

_End dream_

I woke up screaming into my pillow I hate when I have nightmares about Phil the nightmares are usually what he did to me. I slit my wrist deep and bandaged it up

_6 months later_

Dear Bella letter # 37,

I'm fine Bella you really need to stop worrying about me or you'll start getting grey hair! How are you seriously the last letters you've written me are so depressing it's like the life has been sucked out of you. I'm starting to really miss you or maybe I just miss you because, of your cooking. I have been kicking ass at poker I won two bags of Doritos write me soon I love you Bella.

Love, Jacob

I sighed as I read that letter my he noticed that I haven't been me lately well I just found out that Renee just Renee is coming to dinner tonight and staying at the houses for a few days and I have to be there because, she wants to see if I'm ok. Everything has been the same over the past 6 months I still cut and do drugs, I'm so behind in rent that it's not even funny, No one knows about my rape or that I do drugs/cut myself, Jacob and I are just friends, everyone still hates me and calls me a slut whenever they get the chance to, Jane and I are friends Rosalie tried to talk her out of being my friend but she ignored Rosalie Jane isn't the one to judge. Luckily Jane will be at the dinner too. I showered put on a black long sleeve shirt and black sweat pants my E necklace and some black converse. I blasted my stereo and Are you ready by three days grace came on. I blow dried my hair, popped some actually a lot of pills and went down stairs. I grabbed a beer then I sat down next to Jane and Edward was sitting across from me, next to Edward was Tanya, and then Jasper and Alice then Emmett and Rosalie, and there was two empty chairs next to me.

"Why are there two empty chairs?" I asked Jane and she just shrugged but I knew she was hiding something from me I started eating some of my hamburger when there was a knock on the door Emmett answered it.

"Mommy!" He said while giving Renee a bear hug and I looked away and took a gulp of my beer that was warm and fuzzy but I didn't care. Next thing I know someone was leaning over me.

"The burgers look great!" I froze when I heard that voice it was Phil

Dear mental diary in my head,

I'm going to need some more beer.

From A Bella that is going to get drunker than she ever has

**Hey writing about Emmett's and Bella's fight when they were 6 and 8 was pretty entertaining if you have any questions about this story/ chapter write it in the review section cause this chapter the way it was written can be a little confusing :/ and I will answer them! Or if you have any questions about what in detail happened over the 6 months. Sorry no journal entry this chapter**

**Tell me what you liked or didn't like about this chapter! REVIEW!**


	11. Overdose

**Hey peeps yes I just did call you people an Easter candy :P ANYWAYS! So review and Enjoy this chapter!**

**OH and about the chapter 11 thing I deleted it because, I accidently uploaded the rough draft :/ which is very similar to the final draft.**

**Check out my new fanfic Unfortunately Dazzled Once Again **

_All Human Edward left Bella when she was pregnant with twins when Bella runs into Edward will she be dazzled by him or will he even want to be in her life? Story better than summary but what fanfic isn't better than its summary? R&R Rated M to be safe_

I started panicking I felt uncomfortable I pushed my chair out almost knocking Phil over but he moved out of the way. I got another beer and Jane followed me into the kitchen.

"Why didn't you tell me he was coming?" I asked her in disbelief

"Look Bella chill Renee told everyone not to tell you she was afraid you wouldn't want to see her and she really wants to talk to you." Jane explained

"Fine but I'm going to need two beers for this." I said only so that she wouldn't expect that I was terrified of Phil. I grabbed another beer out of the fridge. I went to the table and sat down Phil sat next to me and Renee sat next to Phil. I opened my beer can and chugged it. And ate some of my burger while everyone was talking.

"How are you Bella?" Renee asked directing the conversation towards me

"Fine" I said then took another sip of my beer and started my third can

"Bella what are you doing drinking beer you're 19!" Renee said horrified

"I'm 21 Renee" I lied but I could tell she didn't buy it and I noticed how Emmett called Renee mommy and I called her Renee. Everyone was staring at me. I returned to eating my burger and ate all of it before anyone except for Emmett made a dent in theirs.

"You know Bella your gained a lot of weight since Me and Renee last seen you maybe you should go on a diet." Phil had said in a warning tone I was shocked I looked fine my weight was normal but then I remembered that Phil used to beat the crap out of me if I weighed more than 105

"Actually I think I'm going to get another burger." I said half smiling I finished my beer then got another burger and beer

I went back to the table and sat down taking a bite of my burger

"Mhm this is so good." I said trying to rub in how much food I was eating to Phil he couldn't beat me not in front of all these witnesses

"So we have some news" Renee said happily how can she be happy when she's with Phil I was taking a sip of my beer when Renee said well more like screamed

"We're getting married!" And she raised her left hand to show the gigantic rock I practically choked on my beer and Jane was looking at me worryingly.

"Congratulations" Alice said and so did everyone else except Rosalie said it a little bit bitter and Emmett squeezed Rosalie's hand and she gave him back a quick sad smile.

"What?!" I asked my eyes were probably watery and I probably had a what the fuck expression

"We're getting married!" Renee repeated

"What the fuck?" I said processing the words the whole table was silent and everyone was looking at me

"Bella I know how hard this might be for you since you and Phil had a thing in the past but can't you at least be happy for me?" Renee asked

"How can you love him when you don't even know some of the things he did to me?" I asked her

"Ew I do not want to know all the ways he sexually pleased you Bella" Renee said

"I'm not talking about that!" I said frustrated I wish that I could tell Renee what happened but I can't.

"You're fucking marrying a guy that's fucking Emmett's age!" I practically was yelling at her

"We're in love age doesn't matter and watch your language I didn't raise you to be a potty mouth." Renee talked to me like a little girl

"How can you love a fucking bastard like Phil?" I got up and she got up to

"Bella" Renee said outraged I grabbed my plate and went to the kitchen with it

"Here let me talk to her." I heard Phil say

"Damn it" I swore I either let Renee marry that scumbag or tell her the truth what really happened that night of the party I guess there is no way around this FUCK wait I could just tell her that he beat me I don't have to tell her about the rape part. I chugged a can of beer and then I felt someone's hand brush up against my ass it was Phil me and Phil alone in the kitchen crap. Ugh I'm starting to feel nauseous but I had no more than 15 beers and I usually don't feel nauseous until my 15th

"Here why don't we go in that closet over there and have some fun?" Phil said while grabbing my waist and started kissing my neck I was in shock right now I couldn't register what was going on.

"No, no, no, NO!" I said realizing what he was doing and pushed him off of me my vision was starting to blur

"No one says no to me" Phil said in a warning voice and pushed me into the broom closet and shut the door his hand slid up my shirt and he started touching me.

"Stop please stop" I whimpered pathetically Every memory of Phil raping me before came back to me and I felt vulnerable **(AN: Phil only raped her once at the party)**

"No I won't because, you are mine a useless slut." Phil said and I panicked he wasn't going to stop Ugh my brain was to hazy to remember what I was taught in self defense class so I just extended my arm back and hit him square in the jaw and searing pain shot up my arm I think I broke it

"Bitch" Phil said shit I'm going to get it nowI stumbled out of the closet and felt really dizzy Phil followed me out an Jane was there in the kitchen she saw me get out of the closet with Phil great how am I supposed to explain this

"Bella are you ok?" Jane asked

"OH MY GOD PHIL WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE?" Renee squealed as she walked into the kitchen and started to caress Phil's now swollen right side of his face.

"I tried to talk to Bella ya know help her put away the dishes and clean them and told her that she needs to understand that me and you are in love. And she just hit me" Phil lied but he lied so good anyone would have believed him.

"Shit" I said and bent over the trash can and started puking my guts out and Jane held back my hair like a true friend

"You're such a mess Bella it's nice to know that I raised a drunk I'm so ashamed of you." Renee said ouch I was still puking and fading in and out of consciousness. Right now I really didn't know what was happening.

"Call 911!" Jane yelled

Jacob's POV

"Is there-" I started but James cut me off

"No there are no letters for you today." He sighed Shit I missed Bella so much just 6 more months until I get to see her again I sighed 6 long months

"Hey Jacob can I talk to you in my office" The sergeant said

"Sure" I said and walked over to the opposite side of the base

"I'm sorry Jacob." He said

"What?" I asked take a deep breath Jacob you knew your dad was going to die soon it was probably a complication from the surgery or-

"It's _Bella"_ he interrupted my thoughtsWhen he said Bella my heart just dropped

"Wh-what about her?" I stuttered

"She was admitted to the hospital a week ago she had a seizure right now she's in a drug induced a coma. She overdosed on pain killers and pain killers don't mix well with beer she drank." He said What the fuck fuck fuck fuck she promised me she would stop she told me she stopped taking drugs in one of the letters. Fuck I knew something like this was going to happen

"Was it accidental overdose or did she do that on purpose?" I asked then cleared my throat

"No one knows she still hasn't woke up." He said his voice somber

"Can I go and see her?" I practically begged

"I was just about to ask you if you wanted to 4 days tops we need you fighting out there Jacob."He had said **(AN: Apparently if someone that is close to you is in the hospital you can go back to the place? I don't know just pretend that can happen)**

Bella's POV

_Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep_

I woke up slowly my eyes were still closed I must have gotten really drunk last night and passed out someone mush have carried me upstairs. I wrinkled my nose at the clean smell of alcohol not the kind you drink the kind you use to remove nail polish. I slowly opened my eyes and groaned. I sat up and recognized my surroundings I was in a hospital? Shit I was Ugh an IV I hate needles. I was about to rip it out but someone stopped me _Jake_

"JACOB?!" I yelled in excitement I sat up and gave him a hug that he didn't return back I gave him a questioning stare

"What are you doing here?" I asked and he didn't answer

"Wait what am I doing here?" I asked confused

"You overdosed Bella and had a seizure and somehow managed to break your arm." Jacob said his face was solemn. Shit I told Jacob that I stopped taking drugs so that he wouldn't be worrying about me.

"What did you take first the pills or the beer." Jacob asked shit if I saw the pills Jacob is going to think that I was trying to commit suicide which I wasn't.

"Jake…" I started but he cut me off

"You took the pills first didn't you?!" He practically yelled I just nodded

"Jacob I wasn't trying to kill myself I lost count of how much pills I took and I was being stupid." I said looking at my hands

"Damn it Bella you're right you were being fucking stupid I can't be worrying about you 24/7." Jacob swore his eyes were pitch black

"I know that's why I told you I stopped." I admitted

"Bella you need to stop." Jacob said

"Stop what" I said my voice hoarse but then I realized what he was talking about

"Oh" I said awkwardly

"I-" Started but he cut me off

"Every time I see you pop a pill, drink a 6 pack or snort cocaine it kills me" Jacob said

"Promise me you'll stop" Jacob said and his brown eyes were staring at me with such intensity it felt like he was staring into my soul

"I-I really want to Jacob trust me I do but I can't" I said

"Bella please you're ruining your life" Jacob had said

"My life is already ruined" I told Jacob

"Drug withdraw is going to be a bitch." Jacob told me

"I have a broken arm they have to give me drugs." I snorted back at Jacob

"Ha that's hilarious they know you're a druggie Bella they're not going to give you drugs." Jacob said and he thought he had won this fight but I said

"Embry will" And that gave me the upper hand and Jane and her boyfriend Steve walked in interrupting our intense conversation.

"BELLA!" Jane squealed happily

"God you scared me I didn't think you were going to wake up" Jane said while hugging me

"Oh I convinced the doctor to leave on your long sleeve shirt so if anyone comes to visit they won't see the scars of your past cutting days." Jane whispered and I nodded Jane thinks that I gave up cutting a long time ago.

"And I told him you'd probably would want a black cast. Woo la and now you have a black cast" Jane said motioning to my black cast that already had her name on it in silver sharpie

"Thanks" I said then started coughing and Jane handed me a glass of water

"Here I'll get your doctor" Steve said and moments later Carlisle came in shit Carlisle was my doctor and everyone got out of the room for patient confidentiality

"Hello Bella." He said shit how awkward could this get he waved a light around my eyes and asked if I had any dizziness, nausea, black outs and I said no to all of them. He tested my reflexes and shit.

"Lets talk about those bruises on your body." Carlisle said

"I'm really clumsy I'm talking about the thing you know where I can't walk across a flat surface without tripping over my own feet." I half lied I am clumsy but most of the bruised are from Phil.

"And the broken bones that haven't healed right?" Carlisle asked

"Street fights" I made up a quick lie

"Also, the way you're drinking and doing drugs you won't live that long." Carlisle stated

"What do you mean drugs? I don't do drugs?" I lied acting dumb

"You overdosed on pain killers" Carlisle stated in a doctor voice

"What painkillers? Darn it I must have got my prescription mixed up I was taking antibiotics for a sinus infection and I-I took a lot because, it wasn't clearing up my symptoms. Ow my arm is really starting to hurt I think I need some pain killers" I lied damn good and did you like how I added the ow's and stutters?

"Nice try Bella but your medical history doesn't say that you ever had a sinus infection." Carlisle stated damn it

"How long do I have to stay here?" I asked

"You can leave today but you should stay overnight." Carlisle said in a doctor voice

"I think I'll leave now." I suggested and Carlisle looked shocked

"Bella you really should stay here." He urged

"Nope I'm leaving today I kind of think being in a hospital for this is unnececcary." I said wanting to get out of this hospital

"Ok so you are aware that you just had a seizure because you mixed pills with alcohol and If you haven't noticed you have a broken arm also, you have to wear a back brace for the next two weeks." Carlisle rambled on

"I have a back brace?" I asked questioningly

"Yes its on you right now its to straighten and to protect your ribs." He said

"Why do my ribs need to be straightened?" I asked

"Because, you have many rib fractures that haven't heeled right." He explained and I nodded my head

"A nurse will be hear to pick you up shortly" He said then left and Jane, Jacob and Steve came in.

"Sign my cast?" I asked Jacob while handing him a silver sharpie

"Sure" Jacob said

"Write as big as you want your probably the only person besides Jane that's going to sign it." I told him and he wrote in big letters I then he drew a heart Jacob.

"I love it thanks" I said while blushing

"I have to go back to Iraq Bella" Jacob said

"When?" I asked

"I have to leave now to get to the airport on time." Jacob said

"I love you." Jacob said hopefully

"I know" I sighed He laughed then gave me a kiss on the cheek he left and Jane asked Steve if he could get her two waters after he left Jane bombarded me with questions

"So this is the Jacob guy the guy who you write and you practically live at your mailbox?" Jane asked and I knew where this was heading

"No we are not going out He loves me but I only love him like a brother." I sighed

"He's so hot and muscular funny caring and the total package Bella." Jane rambled on and I gave her a questioning look

"We talked a lot while you were out. He got here 3 days ago." She explained

"I think I'm ready." Jane said when the nurse wasn't paying attention to us

"Ready to what?" I asked confused

"Go all the way with Steve." She whispered excitingly

"But how would you do that?" I asked

"Forgetting about what happened is easy with Steve." She explained

"Now on to more important things what were you doing with Phil in the closet it sounded like you two were k-i-s-s-i-n-g." Jane said

"I don't remember." I lied

"Jane how did it feel to tell people your biggest secret?" I asked

"At first I was nervous just thinking about it but when I finally blurted it out you know that I was raped it felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders at first I thought you would think that I'm a whore and that it was all my fault but when I saw how understanding you were it made me think maybe it wasn't my fault." Jane spilled

"Oh" was all I could say

"Has anyone else besides you, Jake, and Steve visit me?" I asked

"Bella you should get some sleep" Jane warned

"I'll take that as a no." I said sadly

Jane's POV- When Bella was in a coma

Ugh Bella's been in a coma for about a week now I'm starting to think that she won't make it I could tell Jacob was thinking the same thing by the way he was twitching. Jacob loves her so much I can tell by the way he looks at her.

"Jacob you've been by her side for days why don't you get some food." I suggested

"I can't just leave her." Jacob said

"Jacob" I said in a warning tone he needs to eat

"Fine" He grumbled after he left I saw Edward at the door and got up

"What are you doing here?" I asked him

"To um see how she's doing" Edward stated while putting his hand on the back of his neck something he did when he was nervous

"Edward just go if Bella wakes up and sees that you are here she'll freak out Edward" I explained and Edward gave me a questioning look

"She loves you Edward although she hasn't told me I think she still has feelings for you and every time she sees you with Tanya it's like she just got the wind knocked out of her. If you haven't noticed she wraps her arms around her waist like she's going to freakin fall apart. Can't you see how much you're hurting her!" I said spilling my guts to Edward

"Well why would she act that way if she cheated on me?" Edward asked

"I know Bella and she would never cheat on you." I defended Bella

"Well I guess you don't know her good enough." Edward spat and left

**GASP what you think of this chapter REVIEW! Can you believe that Edward visited Bella in the hospital. Check out my fanfic Unfortunately Dazzled Once Again! Review**

AND if you didn't see at the beginning the reason **CHAPTER 11 **I deleted it because, I accidently uploaded the rough draft :/ which is very similar to the final draft.


	12. Mushroom Raviolli

**Sorry that this fanfic hasn't been updated in a while but I have a goal 200 reviews by chapter 13 so please review!**

_Dear Diary,_

_The bruises are fading but my memories are not I remember every detail of what he did to me. Even if the physical evidence is starting to fade I can never forget what Phil did to me I'm trying so hard to forget but it seems no matter how hard I try I can't get the vile things he did out of my head, my memory is like a dvd player Play, Rewind, Pause, Play, Rewind, Pause All my bad memories are just repeating in a non stop loop. Even though my appearance (Bruises, and scars) is getting better the inside of me is getting worse._

_From, A not so improved Bella_

"Hey Bella whatcha doing?" Jane asked stepping into my room not bothering to knock

"Nothing" I said and slipped my journal underneath my bed. I got out of the hospital 3 days ago but Jane hasn't seen me since, she was hanging out with Rosalie, Alice, and Tanya. Renee and Phil still visited us but I made sure that I was out of the house when they did. They are still going to be here for at least a week.

"Are you ok Bella?" Jane asked

"Yea I'm fine I told you I got my prescriptions mixed up and the medicine I took did not react well to my body." I lied

"Hey are you into art or something?" Jane asked

"No why?" I asked

"Oh I was just wondering why there is a huge black line on one of your walls." Jane stated

"Simple answer…" I hesitated "I was going to paint all the walls black but I ran out of paint and I'm too broke to buy more so yeah." I lied once again

"Want to eat dinner I promise no surprise guests" Jane joked trying to lighten up the mood but I gave her a smile that didn't reach my eyes. We stepped in the elevator and Jane hit the down button.

"How's doctor school?" I asked

"It's great! Me and Edward are at the top of the class." She said excitingly and When I heard his name I took a sharp intake of breath.

"Sorry I forgot." Jane apologized

"Bella did you cheat on Edward?" Jane asked and I was taken aback

"I'm sorry but I know that you wouldn't cheat on him maybe Rosalie is lying maybe Phil broke up with her because, he liked you and she got jealous and made up some story that you cheated on Edward I don't know what happened." Jane stated

"I cheated on him." I said my voice cold Jane opened her mouth to say something but I quickly said

"I slept with another man that classifies as cheating." Right as I said that the elevator doors opened and Edward's ears perked up We were getting out as he was getting in obviously he heard me

"Great" I mumbled Edward has never heard me say that he just assumed when I didn't say anything that the answer was a yes and Rosalie saw me and Phil together.

I looked through the mail on the table no letters from Jake I sighed and we ate dinner mid way through my pizza Someone tapped my shoulder and I practically jumped at their touch

"Bella we need to talk now" Jasper exclaimed

"Fuck off" I exclaimed yup back to being bad ass Bella who hides her emotions Jasper showed me the tan envelope and I instantly knew what it was I sprung up and practically pushed him into the elevator when the door closed I pressed the up button.

"What the hell give it back!" I said strangely sounding like a five year old

"No, not until I get an explanation why you had $7,500 in this envelope. Do you know how people in this house would react if they knew that you had the money to pay rent yet never paid it." Jasper stated

"Why were you in my room." I asked

"I thought it was Edward's room, I walked in and knocked this envelope off your desk by accident and all the money spilled out." Jasper exclaimed and I was silent

"Look we are almost at Emmett's floor and if you don't tell me I'll just give this money to him for your rent." Jasper reasoned

"Jasper please just give me the money." I pleaded and the elevator doors stopped and Edward walked in

"Looks like you made your choice I'll just get out now." Jasper said and started to walk out

"NO!" I practically yelled and gently pulled him back into the elevator. The doors closed, Edward gave us a funny look.

"Can I tell you later?" I asked because, Edward was here

"It's now or never" Jasper said I'll take that as a no

"You-you wouldn't understand." I whispered and I could feel Edward starring at me.

"Try me." Jasper challenged

"I really need to um prove something to um Charlie." I said telling the truth I've been saving up the money ever since I got arrested because, I wanted to show Charlie that I'm not pathetic by showing him I can pay back my 7,500 bail (He already paid it and didn't ask me to pay it back but I'm going to pay him back) Jasper knew that talking about my dad was a sensitive topic for me

"Sure it's probably for drugs or alcohol." Jasper said not believing me Jasper pressed the stop button on the elevator

"Dude what the hell?" Edward spoke his velvet voice rough

"Ok I'm not going to be stuck in an elevator with him again." I pointed that out

"Tell me" Jasper ignored us

"First of all I don't do drugs my prescriptions got mixed up and I had an allergic reaction and Second of all I'm telling the truth!" I half lied I do do drugs but I am telling the truth

"What do you need to prove to him." Jasper asked there was a long pause

"That I'm not a pathetic screw up." I said looking down

"And you're going to do that by bribing him?" Jasper asked trying to make since of the situation

"No I'm paying him back all of the money I owe him ok?" My voice was rough and Jasper turned the elevator back on and gave me the envelope

The elevator doors opened and Jane was standing right near the door

"What was that all about?" She asked

"Jasper was being a dick" I said loud enough for him to hear and I heard Edward say to Jasper

"At least you're not a cheater" ouch

"Hey Jane can you cover my shift at Newton's sporting goods I'm going to be gone for a little bit?" I asked

"Yea sure but you owe me one if I'm going to be working with that perv Mike." Jane joked and I laughed

"Yea I'll be back soon though." I hugged Jane goodbye I went up the stairs to pack I packed a suitcase full of clothes and grabbed the money and the plane ticket. I was about to go out the door but then Emmett took me by surprised and asked

"Where are you going?" De ja vu

"I'll be back soon but It's not like anyone here is going to miss me." I sighed

"Yes!" Emmett accidently said aloud probably great is that what he really feels about me does he hate me that much? Yes, yes he does.

I slammed the door on my way out and hopped in my truck with my suitcase I made it to the airport and boarded plane 7 to Pheniox Arizona I got to Renee and Phil's house early in the morning I planned to pick up the rest of my stuff when Phil and Renee are not home. I was going to get everything Edward has ever given me and give it back to him. I grabbed the key underneath the floor mat. As soon as I walked in all of the bad memories of Phil hitting rushed into my head. I looked around for the things that he gave me I got a huge cardboard box to put the stuff in. Ah there's the mushroom ravioli recipe he gave me.

_Flash back (Bella is 16)_

_It was mine and Edward's first date he just asked me out a week ago and bam we're already having our first date. I mean I knew Edward since I was 6 Alice and Rosalie we're playing Bella Barbie on me I winced as Alice combed my tangled hair._

"_Guy's I'm just going to his house for dinner do I really need to be this made up?" I asked and Alice gasped_

"_This is not just dinner it's your first date and plus your makeup is really light." Alice argued _

"_Time to look in the mirror!" Rosalie exclaimed I looked and I took an intake of breath my eyes glimmered, my pale skin glowed, and my hair looked shiny and healthy._

"_Thanks" I said my voice just above a whisper I has on light skinny jeans and a white scoop neck shirt with a silver necklace. I seriously argued for an hour with Alice she wanted me to wear heels but I got my way and now am wearing my sneakers! I walked downstairs ready to drive to Edward's but Emmett was standing at the door._

"_I'll drive you Bells." Emmett exclaimed NO WAY Emmett has been protective ever since Edward had asked me out._

"_No it's fine Emmy." I said_

"_It's settled I am taking you." Emmett said and I groaned Emmett picked me up so that I could get into his jeep better. When we started driving Emmett started to talk._

"_I swear if he puts his hand on you I'm going to kill him" Emmett said gripping the steering wheel._

"_Emmett you can't protect me forever." _

"_Edward is a cougar Bella he's older than you." Emmett said and I resisted the urge to laugh_

" _He is barley a year older than me." I reasoned and Emmett just grumbled and we arrived at Edward's house Emmett and Emmett walked to the door with me._

"_What are you doing?" I asked panicked _

"_Making something clear to Edward" Emmett stated _

"_Be nice" Was the last thing I had said before Edward had opened the door_

"_Edward let's talk man to man Bella you can go inside." Emmett ordered and I went inside 5 minutes later Edward came in and burst out laughing._

"_What?" I asked confused_

"_It's just hard to take Emmett seriously." Edward said and I agreed _

"_What did he say to you?" I asked_

"_Oh he said quote If you break Bella's heart I will break your face end quote and he was saying that I was a cougar and that I was preying on you just because, I'm a year older than you." Edward said and I was mortified then his musical laughter filled the air._

"_Don't worry I intertigated Jasper when he asked Alice out. It's a brother thing Emmett can't help it" Edward said making me feel better __**(AN: Remember Alice is Edward's adopted sister they are not blood related) **_

"_Here let's eat" he suggested and we made our way to the dining room table_

"_Mushroom ravioli yum" I said that was my favorite_

"_Dig in" He said _

"_I cooked this" Edward said and I put down my fork_

"_Aw come on Bella I'm not that bad of a cook just try one little bit" Edward begged Edward was one of the worst cooks ever _

"_Fine" I grumbled and took a bite surprisingly it was really good_

"_Mmmm this is really good" I said taking another bite_

"_Wait a second did you really cook this or did Esme?" I asked eying him suspiciously _

"_You caught me." Edward said and through me one of my favorite crooked smile that made my heart skip a beat Our date went great dinner was great the conversation was great and Edward was great. Emmett started honking his horn_

"_That's my ride." I said and Edward hugged me goodbye_

"_Wait I have something for you." Edward said I turned around to see the mushroom ravioli recipe_

"_I won't be needing this but you can have it since you have mad skills at cooking." _

"_Thanks" I whispered_

_End flashback_

My eyes were starting to water I went to my room and looked through my closet I put Edward's extra football jersey that he insisted I wear to all of his games in the box along with some of his sweatshirts. I moved on. I found my jeans that Edward wrote on.

_Flashback…_

_**(AN: this scene is very similar to a scene in my fanfic you belong with me)**_

_I was studying with Edward and his legs were on my lap he was wearing his favorite jeans today. I looked at my biology book frustrated I didn't understand any of this let's face it how can I study with a Greek god sitting across from me? Edward's musical laughter filled the air and I looked over at him._

"_Seriously Bella you look like your reading another language." Edward said playfully but something inside me snapped I don't know what it was maybe PMS or me just having a crappy day but in a furious rage I grabbed a black sharpie and wrote my name in caps on the hem of the inside of his jeans B E L L A. Edward looked to see what I wrote and his eyes darkened._

"_I'm sorry Edward I didn't mean to its just. I ruined them." I rambled on looking down but he smiled my favorite crooked smile that made my heart skip a beat and grabbed the hem of my pant leg and wrote something on there I looked to see what it was and it was his name written in all caps E D W A R D I smiled knowing he wasn't mad at me for witting my name on his jeans._

"_Thanks you made them a lot better" I muttered but he heard me and smiled _

_End Flashback _

I moved on and saw a cd that had Bella written on it.

_Flashback_

_It was my 17__th__ birthday _

"_Happy birthday" Alice yelled from across the parking lot and when she got to me I shushed her she knew how much I hated my birthday she handed me a box wrapped in pink paper_

"_Your going to love it I know you will and wear it to the party tonight at 7." Alice said and I groaned I hate parties _

"_Alice gets to give you a present it seems like everyone but me is aloud to get away with giving you a present" Edward said to me after the party_

"_Cause, you already gave me the best gift you. I have nothing to give back to you." I said _

"_I love you Bella" Whoa the 3 big words I love you he has never said that to me_

"_I love you to" I said and his icy cold lips connected with mine but the kiss ended too sonly as he pulled away_

"_Here don't be mad but I got you something don't worry I didn't spend any money on it" He said when we were in my truck. Ok I hated when Edward spent money on me even though he was rich I didn't want him to spend a dime on me. He showed me a cd that had my name written on cursive on the front. He popped it in and it was my lullaby and a bunch of other songs he played on the piano. Tears streamed down my face_

"_It's beautiful. Thanks." I said but stopped talking not wanting to ruin the music with my voice_

_End Flashback_

By now I couldn't help the pool of tears that spilled over I missed him. I put in some of the Debussy CD's he gave me and I found some of the pictures he drew for me as a little kid.

_Flashback _Bella is 6 Edward is 6 almost 7

"_Hey Eddie teddy" I said to my best friend Edward I was hanging on the monkey bars _

"_Hey Bellsy" Edward said he was hanging on the monkey bars upside down like a monkey_

"_Ooff" I said as I fell down and started to cry my arm looked all twisty_

"_Bella!" Edward screamed and jumped down from the monkey bars He whipped out some power ranger band aids and put them all over my arm __**(Even at a young age Edward wanted to be a doctor like Carlisle and have band aids on him at all times) **__My mommy gasped and ran over to me she took me to where Edward's daddy worked and he made my arm all better he wrapped it in a orange cast._

"_Here you go Bella" Edward said handing me a bunch of pictures and a get well card and I hugged him._

_End flash back_

Of course all of the pictures were poorly drawn stick figures of me and him but at the time I thought that they were drawn so good that they could have been in an art museum.

I put in the $500 I stole from him to buy drugs. By now the box was almost full I found a scrap book that had pictures, of me, Emmett, Rosalie, Alice, Jasper, and Edward but I decided to keep that. I left on the soonest plane ride to Alaska which was the next day. I hopped on the plane and hours later I was at Alaska Oh I forgot about the radio Edward had given me and he installed it in my truck. I took a screwdriver and hours later I managed to pry it out of my car and put it on the box I doubt it will work anymore there was wires sticking out of where the radio was in but I want to rid my life of anything that has to do with Edward. I wrote on the side of the box EDWARD in sharpie. Wait I forgot one thing I took off my E necklace painfully slow and put it into the box that was the hardest thing I had to get rid of.

I went to Charlie's cop office and waited for about 3 hours before he finally let me in.

"Here" I said handing him a tan envelope

"This is all of the money for the bail." I said and he looked in it while looking at someone's file

"How'd you get the money did you strip for it or are you a prostitute?" Charlie asked and I was shocked

"No I worked hard for that money" I exclaimed

"Oh so you stole it or got it from drug dealing. Looks like I'm going to have to add another charge to your record." Charlie spat

"I did not freaking steal any money or sell drugs call the place where I work and go check!" I said now this is why I hate seeing Charlie

"No that's a waste of my time why don't you go Isabel you're wasting my time and time is money." Charlie said coldly and I left. I was too tired so I fell asleep in my truck and woke up to Charlie putting a ticket on my wind shield wiper.

"What the hell?" I asked him and I rolled down my window

"The sign clearly states no overnight parking. Just doing my job." Charlie sneered and left I grabbed the 150 dollar ticket off of my car and drove home. Jane opened the door for me and gave me a hug.

"THANK GOD I DON'T HAVE TO WORK AT NEWTON'S SPORTING GOODS ANYMORE YOUR JOB SUCKS!" Jane exclaimed

"Thanks I missed you too." I joked and she laughed I looked through the mail and sighed no letter from Jacob

"Yeah Mike was hitting on her non-stop so when Jane went to work I had to stay with her." Steve complained

"Yeah that's what I have to deal with every Monday Wednesday, and Friday." I sighed I got in the elevator with my 'Edward box' and suitcase I put my suitcase in my room and went to Edward's room to give him his stuff back. I knocked on his door please not be here please not be here so that I could just leave it on his bed.

"Come in" Edward said fan-freakin-tastic

"Hey" I said my voice soft as I opened the door and Edward gave me a confused look

"um here you go this is all the items you have given me." I said putting the box by the door

"I'm not sure if the radio works seeing as I pulled it out with a screw driver and the money that is in there is some money I stole from you when I first moved in here." I explained

"I don't want it." Edward exclaimed his piercing green eyes met my lifeless brown ones

"Well have it I don't care if you throw the stuff out, burn it, I just wanted to give this back to you I said and placed the box next to him on his bed.

"Bye Edward" I breathed knowing that I have to try to move on tears pooled in my eyes and I left I went to the bathroom grabbed a razor and sliced my arm that is not in a cast a few times feeling better. I popped a pill and looked all over to find another pill but I was out. Crap I'm broke and have no drugs I drove to the place from where I get drugs (Embry's)

"Hey Bella" Emily greeted me

"Hey Emily" I said and over the past months we turned into friends

"Want a muffin freshly baked?" She asked

"Tempting but I'm here for something else" I said and Emily knew I was here for drugs

"Embry is in his room" Emily sighed she wasn't a big fan of my drug addiction either

I walked in and asked Embry for pain pills

"Sure $200" Embry said

"I'm kind of broke" I explained

"Oh no drugs then" Embry said

"Please I need them" I begged my mind was not right

"Well if you have sex with me I guess I could give you 20 pills." Embry suggested casually my heart dropped I've never willingly had sex with someone. Suddenly I crashed my lips to his…

**GASP do you think Bella will go all the way with Embry for drugs review! What did you think of all those flashbacks of Edward REVIEW! When this fanfic hits the 200 review mark I will update! Review!**


	13. Guy code

**Hey first off I would like to say HOLY SMOKES I got 200 plus reviews thank you to everyone who reviewed I take the time to read every single one of the reviews and think how can I fit in their request to the story…? Any ways I have updated my fanfic You belong with me I suggest you check that out. Enjoy this chapter!**

**JUST TO LET YOU KNOW when I skipped the 6 months (IN the chapter from 6 days to 6 months)**

**Emmett had his b-day so did Jasper and Rosalie XD**

His lips were moving fast on mine he shut and locked his door.

_Flashback_

"_Its upstairs" Phil screamed but I barley heard him I nodded my head and we went upstairs I went in his room and he closed the door behind us and I gave him a questioning look._

"_Where's her gift? I bet you got her a bracelet or-" I was cut off by Phil kissing me and I pushed him off of me_

"_What the hell?" I screamed angrily _

"_Come on babe lets have some fun" He said while wiggling his eyebrows _

"_NO!" I had said forcefully_

_End Flashback_

He started to kiss my neck he was too rough he reminded me just like Phil and I hated every second of this he moved me to the bed and I started to un do the buttons of his shirt.

"You don't know how long I've been waiting to get in your pants" Embry told me his voice husky and he practically ripped off my shirt but it caught on my cast and started to kiss down my body. I was panicking uncontrollably.

"What happened?" Embry asked eying my bruises.

"Nothing" I said my voice was shaking my arms were around his back so that he couldn't see my cut scars I was trying to be Numb and repress all of my memories but it wasn't working.

"Stop Stop Stop!" I said frantically he was about to un do my pants I thought about how Phil had never had stopped when I said No.

"Come on babe don't you want the drugs?" He asked

"Are you crying?" Embry asked and I didn't realize that I was crying until he pointed that out so there I was blubbering like a baby.

"I should go" I mumbled and put my shirt back on. I was now crying harder I realized that I can never be close to someone even if I tried all because, of Phil.

"Come on I think having sex with me is going to be better than going through detox." He said he's right I'm starting to feel woozy I haven't had my drugs in such a long time maybe a day ago was the last time I had drugs.

"Bye" I mumbled and walked out of his room Emily Sam and the rest of the guys were in the living room.

"Bella are you ok?" Emily asked probably noticing my tears I didn't say anything I just left because, if I would have opened my mouth I would have burst into tears. I got in my truck calmed myself down. I looked around frantically for drugs in my car but had no luck.

"Damn it" I Said and hit my steering wheel. I drove home and of course my radio was blasting a metal song that had almost no lyrics the lyrics that it did have were screamed not sung, and had a tremendous amount of guitar and drum solos. I sat in my truck for about an hour before I went inside trying to get myself to stop crying and it felt like it was a million degrees and I was fidgeting a little yup I was starting to feel the effects of not having drugs. I walked in and saw everyone including Renee and Phil was at the table laughing. I walked past the table to get up the stairs but as soon as I walked past the table Renee got up.

"Oh my God Bella are you ok?" She asked and put her hand to my forehead

"Your burning up." She exclaimed

"Are you fucking ok because I don't think you are if you are marrying him." I spat

"Bella I will not tolerate this kind of language." Renee gasped I looked through the mail on the counter no letter from Jacob I sighed

"Well I will not tolerate you marrying him." I said adjetated I walked to the kitchen and Renee followed me I stuck my head in the freezer but I still didn't feel any cooler I pulled my head out of the freezer and shut it.

"Bella this dinner _was_ going great but you just had to be the center of attention and make a scene like you always do." Renee stated everyone was dead silent they could probably hear us

"I know your life is bad but you made it this way you decided to sleep with him even though he had a girlfriend and you had a boyfriend." Renee said and everyone was still watching and listening to us.

"Ok I don't get it everyone shuns me for sleeping with Phil but they are laughing and having a good time with Phil who did the same thing as me, he cheated. Are you saying that girls can be slutty and guys can't. Because none of you guys seem to have a problem with Phil." I said loudly

"You are just a freakin attention seeking whore and I'm tired of this" I felt like someone stabbed me when she called me a whore I started walking up the stairs.

"Wait Bella I didn't mean to say that." Renee said

"Yes you did" I muttered loud enough for her to hear I got up the stairs and ran to the bathroom and started puking my guts out another side effect of not having drugs.

"Bella are you ok?" Jane asked

"Can I come in?" She asked

"Sure" I said and she walked in

"I must have the stomach flu or something I don't think you'll want to catch what I have." I sighed

"Bella how stupid do you think I am? You're sweating, probably have a fever clammy hands, adjetative: get mad easily, and you are puking. As soon as you walked in me and Edward knew that you are going through drug withdrawal." Jane said sounding like a doctor

"How long have you been using them?" She asked but I puked and she held my hair back

"I don't do drugs." I lied

"Bella" she said in a tsk tsk tone

"4-5 pills a day for a little bit more than a year" I admitted it actually felt good to tell someone about my drug addiction.

"Ouch this is going to be a bitch but you'll get through it I'm glad that you have decided to stop." Jane stated

10 withdrawal hours later

"Temperature hasn't gone down 103.7" Jane told me and put a washcloth on my forehead I didn't get how I could have such a high fever I was shivering uncontrollably bottom line is that I feel like shit.

"You should probably take off your sweatshirt that would help." Jane stated no way am I doing that then she would see that I still cut. I threw up then Jane suggested that she'll step out and that I take a 15 minute cold shower. As soon as I got done I got on clean clothes. I walked out of the bathroom a little woozy and Jane helped me to my bed room I plopped on my bed and groaned.

"Here's a trashcan in case you know have to puke and call me if you need me." Jane said

"Yes Nurse Jane." I said mockingly

"Doctor" She corrected me and I half laughed and she left I took out my journal and wrote

Dear Diary,

Drug withdrawal is a bitch. None of this would be happening if I just stopped being a pansy sucked it up and slept with Embry. I tried I really did but my emotions got in the way as soon as his lips crashed to mine I panicked and every bad memory of Phil raping me came into my mind all at once and it sucks how I can't even be close to someone like that even if I tried.

From, A Bella that needs to learn how to suck it up

2 days later

The symptoms are starting to slow down but I still feel terrible.

"BELLA" Jane said with so much enthusiasm that she reminded me of Alice

"Oh its you." I sneered jokingly and she glared at me then smiled

"Hey Me you and Steve shopping today." Jane said

"Nooooooooooooo" I emphasized

"Please Edward's birthday is coming up and I still have to get something for him." Jane said and as soon as she said his name my mood changed instead of being ok I now was in a terrible mood.

"So are you in?" Steve asked

"Nope" I said seriously

"Please Please Please Please." She begged

"You can't just hide under a rock until Jacob comes back." Jane said

"Watch me" I said covering myself with the blanket and Jane practically dragged me out of the house I was whispering profanities the whole ride to the mall. I noticed that Steve didn't look thrilled either.

"Steve I know that you didn't want to go but we need a guy to carry our bags." Jane said We got to the store and Jane was pulling me into so many stores I got a black zip up hoodie that was on sale for $5 and I lost track of what Jane had bought since she had bought so much stuff.

"Steve why don't you go to the electronics store and meet us at the food court in an hour or so." Jane suggested and Steve looked like a little kid on Christmas morning and left.

"Huh what was that about?" I asked

"Well I wanted to buy something special for Steve." Jane said and we walked into Victoria's secret and I gave her a questioning look.

"I want our first time together to be special" She said just above a whisper

"Hmm should I get the classic black lace bra or the fire truck red one?" Jane asked me

"I'm not sure I don't really know much about this stuff how about you choose a set that is his favorite color?" I suggested

"Genius! I'll get dark red!" Jane practically yelled and ran over to the red set and purchased it.

"Well we have half an hour left lets squeeze in a couple more stores before we eat." Jane said and I groaned we went to some store and Jane forced me to try on a pair of super skinny light blue jeans.

"I'm not coming out!" I yelled through the dressing room door

"Bella come on I've been dying to see you in jeans that are not black!" Jane said and I rolled my eyes Then the door opened because, of her credit card picking the lock.

"Wow there's really nothing a credit card can't do." Jane laughed as she said that

"Bella you look-" Jane started terrible disgusting ugly that no one will ever want a used person like me

"Hot" a guys voice said and I could feel the blush spreading on my cheeks

"I'm James" He said He had short light brown almost caramel colored hair with light blue eyes he was good looking but nothing in comparison to Edward

"I'm-- not interested" I said and went back into the changing room and changed and he was talking to Jane.

"Hey here's my number." James said I took the number in my hand and threw it into the nearest trash can Jane looked shocked

"Don't worry I got it" Jane said pulling the number out of the trash and I gave her a disgusted look

"Jane I did not want his number before so why do you expect me to take it now when it's covered in smoothie?" I asked

"Ouch I'm wounded" James stated

"So what's your number?" James asked

"9 1 1" I stated

"Ha ha you're hilarious." Jane said

"Hey don't we need to meet Steve at the food court?" I asked

"I'm sure he can wait" Jane insisted looking between me and James and my stomach growled I'm sure that Jane will not let me go to the food court and eat until I give him my number. I felt defeated I was not ready for any kind of relationship even if it was friendship Jane doesn't know how hard it is for me to open up to people especially guys

I unwillingly wrote my number on his hand in black sharpie

"So I guess there is some guy code saying not to call a girl for 2 days?" I asked

"Actually it's three so don't expect a call until three days later" He joked and I flashed him a smile We walked our separate ways

"I hope you know that I hate you" I said with venom in my voice

"Love you to!" Jane said I know what she is trying to do she is trying to help me to get over Edward but it's not going to work. We ate lunch and Steve's eyes practically popped out of his head when he saw the Victoria's Secret's bag, we got home later.

"You guys go on in I'm going to check the mail." I yelled and they went inside while I looked for a letter from Jacob. I sighed there was no letter from Jacob but there was a letter from the army.

_Dear Isabella Swan we are sorry to inform you that…_

**Sorry that this chapter was a little blah major writers block grrr…**

**DA DA DAAAA dramatic music what do you think the letter says? How'd you like James? And review!**

**Review, and you guessed it Review!**


	14. Belly Bear and Emmy

**Whoa this is the 14****th**** chapter I didn't even realize that I had written 14 chapters for this story well enjoy this chapter**

_Isabella Swan we are sorry to inform you that… Jacob Black has been wounded severely he is the ICU in our hospital on the base. He has been shot twice on his back right shoulder usually this isn't am injury that kills but he has lost a lot of blood and his body has an infection from the wound. We are not sure if he will make it or not we will notify you as soon as his condition changes._

I stood there stunned in shock I didn't know what was going on. I tried to re-read the letter but every thing seemed blurry as tears streamed down my face I couldn't make a sound and I wasn't sobbing because, there was no sound that I could make to express how much pain I was feeling right now. The pain was getting to be too much for me Jake was the only guy that I kind of trusted since the incident. I couldn't stand the thought of him dying if he died I wouldn't be able to handle it he was the one that was stitching my heart up after Edward broke it he made me feel better, happy almost like the giant whole in my heart wasn't there anymore. I needed Jacob he was my life he kept me together whenever I felt as though I was going to fall apart. Oh god I felt like I was going to puke. I emptied the contents of my stomach in the trashcan next to the mail box I wiped off my mouth and subconsciously wrapped my arms around my torso and walked up the long driveway as I wiped the tears away from my eyes the cover-up that covered the dark red circles under my eyes came off. The red circles under my eyes is a withdrawal symptom that should go away when I am healthier. Ok Bella you just have to keep it together until you reach the elevator so no one will notice anything is wrong. I took a deep breath swallowing my tears and made myself stop crying I wiped my eyes and took a deep breath as I opened the door.

"Hey Bella what took you so long?" Jane asked and I shrugged not trusting my voice I noticed Edward, Jasper, Steve, Rosalie, Alice and Tanya were in the room.

"We are all going out to dinner to some fancy smancy restaurant along with Renee and Phil want to come?" Jane asked that's why everyone was so dressed up and everyone was looking at me hoping that I'd say no. I bit my lip and shook my head no and turned around towards the elevator every ounce of my strength not to break down crying. I gripped the letter in my hand and walked over to the elevator when the doors opened Emmett was in there he stepped out and said

"Shit I forgot my wallet." And stepped back into the elevator. I swallowed the lump in my throat tears threatened to spill over as they stung my eyes. Why did Jacob get hurt he was such a good guy I can't even think of losing him this was so hard for me to open up to a guy and when I did he ends up in the ICU fighting for his life. The next thing that I did was unexpected and I couldn't believe I did that unable to take the pain I turned around and leaned on Emmett's chest as tears spilled over.

"What the-" Emmett said but I interrupted him with my sobbing he realized that I was crying he wrapped his arms around me as I sobbed into his shirt.

"Shh Bella" Emmett said trying to soothe me as we walked out of the elevator I haven't cried this hard since Phil raped me Emmett led me to his room and he laid on his bed and I sat down next to him and sobbed into his chest a little bit later Emmett tried to get up but I sub consciously clung to his shirt he sighed and I heard him talking on the phone.

"Yea Jasper I can't go to dinner" Emmett spoke there was a long pause and he finally said

"Just tell everyone I'm sick." Emmett said and I cried for who knows how long my eyes were dried out tearless as I continued to dry sob. Some time later my violent sobs turned into whimpers then eventually all sound died down.

"Who do I have to kill for making you cry?" Emmett asked

"He might be dead soon so…" I trailed my voice so hoarse from crying that I didn't even recognize my own voice.

"Jacob, my friend is in critical condition he got shot twice in Iraq and they don't know if he's going to make it." I said my voice cracking at the end.

"Oh" was all Emmett said

"I'm sorry that I ruined your shirt" I glance at Emmett's nice white dress up shirt stained with tears

I got up and looked in the mirror I looked terrible like I have been crying for hours my eyes were blood shot and puffy my nose a little red from crying my hair was a little messed up so I pulled it back in a pony tail.

"Mhm" Emmett just mumbled I was so frustrated he wasn't being himself around me I wanted the things to go back to the way things were when all I worried about was weither or not I'd be forced into going shopping with Alice and Rose versus when I'd get my next fix or how to avoid Phil, I missed how Emmett and I could have conversations for hours he always un attentionally cracked me up always busting out the jokes knowing Emmett he would have probably said something about how he looked like a penguin in his suit , I miss my relationship with Ed- with Edward I loved him so much he was my perfect other half everything just felt right with him I miss my old life, my old friends, having no worries.

"Yeah cause I just ruin every fucking thing." I exploded

"Bella, we all know how this is going to end we are going to end up screaming at each other then you storming off. So lets not bother trying to talk this out." Emmett said his eyes dark and for once he was not smiling

"Emmett I want to talk this out I miss you." I admitted on the verge of tears

"Bella I think that you are just overly emotionally right now because, of what happened to Jacob I don't think that you mean this." Emmett said just after he said that Rosalie and Jasper walked in.

"Emmett I miss you" I repeated separately saying each word slowly. Ignoring them Emmett looked torn he knew if he said that he missed me too that Rosalie would turn on him but I knew deep down inside that he missed me too.

"Well I don't" He said coldly and his words stung

"Yeah I get it Ho's before Bro's" I said beyond pissed

"You just don't get it." Emmett said

"Yes I do, you don't have a clue about what I've been through Emmett"

"Please explain because, I don't know how hard it was cheating on Edward and backstabbing your friends." Emmett said and I just wanted to slap him

"Wow Emmett its nice to know how whipped you are you can't even say what you really want to say because, Rosalie is here." I said to him our conversation was so intense it seemed like we were the only ones in the room.

"That's not true." Emmett denied

"I know something that is true that you are a slut." Rosalie chimmed in talking to me

"Yeah I'm just a freakin whore a good for nothing slut." I spat and walked out of the room I was a slut it was all my fault that Phil did the things he did to me

"She's pathetic" Rosalie said as I left

"Rosalie she's had a bad day lay off." Emmett said defending me They were screaming and I could here them from my room

"She's a slut." Rosalie whine-yelled

"She's my sister." He said sternly

"And I'm your girlfriend." After that I couldn't hear anything but they were still arguing just quieter so that the whole world couldn't hear them. I took my razor and sliced my arm I cleaned up the blood and bandaged the cuts. My cutting was getting out of control most of my arm was covered in cuts pretty soon there would be no room. I fell asleep trying to forget what happened today.

_Dream…_

"_Stop" I whimpered and started to panic I didn't want my first time to be with him I wanted it to be with someone I loved and I was not ready to sleep with anyone _

"_Phil no stop" I kept on saying but he kept on going_

"_I said stop" I said trying to push him off of me but I was too weak compared to him he was hurting me and I kept on saying no but he kept going into me I was feeling so much pain down there that I started to cry he finally got off of me I lay there limp like a rag doll he took my innocence, raped me.  
_

_End Dream_

"Bella wake up" Someone said as they shook me I bolted up and started breathing heavily

"Bella are you ok I heard you screaming" Emmett asked

"Just a nightmare can-can you stay here with me until I fall asleep?" I asked him shaken he nodded and laid next to me

"Good night Belly-bear"

"Good night Emmy." I said and fell asleep when I woke up Emmett was still next to me snoring I still had nightmares (I do every night) but they weren't as bad. I whacked Emmett playfully with a pillow and he shoot up.

"You were snoring" I teased

"I don't snore" Emmett pouted and I laughed I felt weird laughing I haven't meaningfully laughed in a while. Emmett left to get breakfast. And I took out my journal and wrote

_Dear Diary,_

_Jacob might be gone forever he got shot and is in Critical condition at the ICU in Iraq I I can't even think what life would be without Jacob. My cutting is getting worse and so is the nightmares I just one night I can be nightmare free. Well Emmett is finally being nice to me…….YAY WOOT WOOT oh um anyways today was bitter sweet I found out terrible news but Emmett is finally treating me like a human being and considering my feelings._

_From, A bitter sweet Bella_

My Phone started to ring and I didn't recognize the number so I picked up

"Hello?" I said

"Hello this is Jacob Black's sergeant here to update you on his condition…" He said the sound quality was really bad my heart sped up as I waited for the answer.

**How'd you like that chapter I know it was a little short but eafhakasjhfkj anyways I will probably update when I get 300 plus reviews around that range but how'd you feel about**

**The deep depressing thoughts about Jacob **

**How her cutting is getting worse/nightmares**

**How Emmett comforted her when she was crying**

**OH and I might start giving sneak peeks of upcoming chapters!!!**

**Long reviews/suggestions appreciated! I love to read everyone's reviews/ hear there thoughts.**


	15. I know how to make this 100 times better

**OK I know that everyone is a little fine a lot pissed off at me for how insanely long it takes for me to update my stories/chapters I will TRY to get chapters out sooner **

**Important AN OK I understand where the reviewers are coming from how they want me to update soon but this is why I haven't updated in a while. When I first wrote this story I was writing it because it was fun to write but lately I've been feeling as if this is more work than fun I felt like I needed to get a chapter out ASAP and the chapter wasn't as great as I would have liked it to be and I just needed to take a break from this story for a little bit. But chapters will be coming out sooner. **

**OH and when I said I think I would update when I got 300 plus reviews I thought that I had 280 reviews but I ended up having 250 something so sorry for that mix-up XD but thanks for the reviews!**

_Previously…"Hello this is Jacob Black's sergeant here to update you on his condition…"_

"Jacob is in stable condition he's going to be ok he has complete use of his arm, shoulder and back he's lucky that there is no permanent damage. As soon as he fully recovers and serves the rest of his 12 month term he will return home" He said and hung up I felt happy tears stream down my face _he was ok, Jacob was going to be ok. _I felt like a giant weight was lifted off my shoulder I wiped off the tears and went downstairs to cook some Choco-chip pancakes and I set up 4 plates. Jane sat next to Steve across from Emmett who sat next to me.

"This smells delicious!" Steve said enthusiastically while taking a huge bite of the pancake I looked over at Emmett who was wolfing down the food

"Wow I haven't seen eating habits like that since I watched animal planet." I joked while Emmett's booming laughter filled the house.

"Bella what's wrong? You're crying" Jane asked concerned and I didn't even realize I was

"Nothing I'm not sad these are happy tears because, Jacob is ok." I told them I felt Emmett pat my back.

"Huh?" Jane and Steve asked they had no clue about what happened to him

"He got shot and they didn't know if he was going to make it but he's ok." I said my voice solemn

"Oh" Jane and Steve said

"Getting my cast off today YAY!" I said "but still have to wear this annoying back brace." I frowned and the conversation picked up.

"I'll do the dishes." I volunteered after our conversation and breakfast was finished and took everyone's dishes Jane offered to help. Halfway while doing the dishes Jane said in a worried tone

"Bella you're bleeding!"

"Oh I hit my arm on…the sink." I said realizing that one of my cuts must have ripped open I left in a hurry. I went to the bathroom cleaned, and re-bandaged the cut I tucked my long sleeve shirt into my cast so when the doctor cut it off he wouldn't see the cut scars. I got my cast taken off and went back home in a hurry.

"Hey how does your arm feel like?" Emmett asked me

"Like jello it feels weird without the cast on." I said and Emmett laughed

"Hey Bella can I talk to you upstairs?" Jane had asked me

"Yeah sure" I said in a questioning voice but went upstairs with her

"So what's up?" I asked her

"What's up with you Bella I feel like your hiding things from me." Jane said more concerned than mad

"Like…" I said deciding to play it dumb

"The Jacob thing, your arm just spontaneously bled." Jane listed suspiciasouly

"I just found out about Jacob and I hit my arm on the sink" I said a little too defensively

"Can we not argue?" I sighed I didn't want to lose another friend as soon as Im starting to put my life back together and she nodded

"So you and Steve how's that going?" I asked

"We hooked up last night." Jane said smiling

"So I take it that it went well?" I asked

"Yeah what happened it the past is the past I'm just focusing on my relationship with him now." Jane said and at that moment I was envious of Jane how can she be ok after what happened to her and I can't? My phone started to ring and I picked up.

"Hello?" I asked not recognizing the number

"Hey Bella this is James" he said "It's James" I mouthed the words to Jane and her smile grew larger

"And I was wondering since its 3 days later do you want to go to the movies with me?" He said a little bit nervous but cocky at the same time.

"Sure." I said I'm going to give it a chance but I'm going to make it clear that I just want to be friends

"See you at 7 then bye" James said then hung up Jane looked like she wanted to ask me a million questions

"He asked me to the movies and I said yes I'm meeting him there at 7" I explained and she squealed

"I'll be right back" Jane exclaimed then came back 5 minutes later

"Here put these on" Jane said and handed me dark skinny jeans and a black v neck wool sweater

"No thanks" I said

"Seriously you're not leaving the house with sweats on" Jane said sounding a little like Alice Knowing that I would lose this argument I put on the clothes when I came out Jane said that I looked great even though I felt like a worthless used girl. I put my hair in a pony tail Jane left but before I left I wrote in my diary

_Dear Diary,_

_I am jealous of Jane about how she can let people in to her life she can have a physical relationship with someone after what happened to her and I can't I can't even kiss a guy without breaking down. Jane is getting suspicious I think she knows that I'm cutting and she can never find out about that. So I'm going to the movies with James tonight I'll see how that goes but I want to make it clear to him that I'm just looking for a friendship not a relationship_

_From a jealous Bella_

I closed my diary and met James at the movie theater

"Wow you look great." James said he was wearing a leather jacket and light wash jeans

"Wish I could say the same to you." I teased and he smiled

We claimed our seats in the movie theater continuing on with our conversation surprisingly we had a lot in common.

"Ew Eddie there is gum stuck on my shoe why couldn't you take me somewhere nicer?" I heard a voice that sounded like Tanya's complain I turned around to see Edward and Tanya Edward had his arm around Tanya and he saw me I quickly directed my attention towards the screen and shortly the movie Face Punch started. Half way through the movie James exaggeratingly yawned and put his arm around my shoulder I cringed at his touch and stiffened but he didn't seem to notice he smiled at me and I half smiled back the rest of the movie I kept mentally chanting to myself it's ok he won't hurt you. The lights turned on and we left the theater.

"So that movie.." James started

"Sucked" I said bluntly he starred at me and laughed we decided to get some ice cream after wards

We got our ice cream then sat down on a bench and James whispered to me

"I know how to make this date 1000 times better" and then he passed a bottle into my hand and it had oxycontion pain killers in it. I started sweating something I so desperately wanted was right there in my hands…

**Will Bella take the drugs or not, not as good as a good as some of the other cliff hangers but it still is one! I know this is short but chapters will be longer review!**


	16. I know what I have to do

**HEY! I got this chapter out fast(well faster than usually) so please review I take all the time to read the reviews and I love hearing your ideas/suggestions for the story!**

_Previously…__"I know how to make this date 1000 times better" and then he passed a bottle into my hand and it had oxycontion pain killers in it. I started sweating something I so desperately wanted was right there in my hands…_

I broke out into a cold sweat I needed drugs it seemed like every cell in my body wanted it I needed it. Everything would end if I just took it the withdrawal symptoms… my thoughts wondered.

"Look I can't be around this stuff anymore and I can't be around people like you." I said forcefully the bottle stuck to my hand like glue it was hard to give it up but I shoved it in his hand and started to walk away.

"Bella" He called but I kept on walking not looking back I hopped in my truck and started to drive it took every ounce of my strength not to turn back and get the drugs from him. When I went to the house Jane was dripping with water so was Jasper and Alice and they were in their swimsuits.

"How was your date?" She asked

"Here do me a favor take my keys and don't give them back to me until the morning even if I beg you." I said handing Jane my car keys if I had them I might give in and meet James to do drugs she gave me a confused look then shrugged. I got a cup of water and power chugged it. Edward walked into the kitchen and my heart skipped a beat _I still loved him _but he moved on, he hates me and wants nothing to do with me.

"Did you like the movie?" I asked him timidly and he seemed shocked that I was speaking to him he looked to see if there was anyone else in the room because, he probably thought I was asking the question to someone else he just ignored me and I sighed my phone suddenly began to ring and I saw the number was James so I ignored it it rang again and Edward shot me an annoyed glance. I answered it.

"Bella" He started

"Look please just don't call me bye." I said a little fast and hung up because, Edward was in the room and I didn't want him hearing any of this he heard what I said and I felt his green eyes burning into the back of my head as I was filling up my cup with water my phone rang again.

"Damn it" I muttered and fumbled trying to take out the battery but I finally got it out. I felt like crap still I needed drugs these withdrawal symptoms are too much for me. These could all go away if I just called him… I ran my hands through my hair and leaned on the kitchen counter, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath then went upstairs. I sat down on my bed and looked over at the mirror I looked terrible I was sweaty had black-purple circles under my eyes thanks to the lack of drugs, I didn't look like myself anymore I didn't bother trying to make my self look nice ever since the incident I looked fragile, sick, and depressed I wasn't me anymore I was just a shell of a person that I used to be this is not Bella, Bella went upstairs at that party last year and never came back.

I stumbled and got my razor and made a cut on my arm and I didn't feel better I just felt worse so I cut another mark into my skin this was not working I was still feeling all of my mental pain I bit my lip and made the final cut still nothing I cleaned up the cuts and crawled into my bed not bothering to change into my pjs. I thought to myself how did I get here how did I become a drug addict, with a depressed personality that just shuts people out, how'd I become such a mess and the worst part about this is that even if I tried I can't get past what happened to me I just can't. I drifted to sleep and woke up from yet again another nightmare but this one was worse it was like I was re-living my rape again I screamed into the pillow I kept on screaming and I couldn't stop. Finally, after I ran out of breath I stopped screaming. Is my life always going to be like this? Am I always going to wake up from nightmare after nightmare screaming like this? I wondered my life is never going to get any better only worse I don't want to live like this nothing is making me feel better even the cutting is not helping relieve the pain. Just then I realized that I don't want to live anymore there is no point but I knew what I had to do maybe I could wait until Jacob came back and say goodbye to him. No one would care if I died Renee is too busy planning her wedding with Phil, Rosalie would probably dance on my grave, Charlie is too busy with his work, and Ed-Edward would be happy that I'm not in his life anymore. I'd have to thank Jane though if it wasn't for her then I probably would have done this a while ago.

1 month later

"Bella what has been up with you we barley talk anymore!" Jane yelled "You're like in some zombie mode it's like nothing affects you anymore you never get happy or sad it's like you just have a _Numb_ feeling."

"I have to meet Jacob at the airport." I said in a monotone voice Jacob was coming back today

"No Bella you always do this when I try to talk to you. What happened to you in the last month you don't do anything you don't eat, or sleep, you always wake everyone up with your screaming, and what about Emmett he was being nice to you but you just pushed him away!" Jane screamed at me

"You have no idea what I have been going through." I muttered

"That's because, you never tell me anything! What do you cut again?" Jane whispered the last part she was pissed

"I think it be best if we didn't talk." I said trying to sound harsh but my voice was drained of all emotion.

"That's fine with me" she yelled, went out my room and slammed the door but I followed her out Edward and Tanya was out in the hall probably to see what all the commotion was about.

"Jane wait" I sighed I didn't want my last conversation with her to be bad

"No Bella I'm over this go screw with someone else's feelings." Jane yelled back at me and went down stairs Edward and Tanya was starring at me and I was supposed to feel sad that one of my only friends is beyond pissed at me but surprisingly I felt nothing. I walked downstairs and saw Emmett with Rosalie in the living room.

"Hey Emmett I know that you're beyond pissed at me but…" I started but he cut me off

"Not now Bella I was nice to you I forgave you and you ignored me whenever I tried to talk to you this past month and I'll give you a week to leave." Emmett spoke

"What?" I asked but it sounded more lie a comment

"You haven't paid rent in months you have to leave no one wants you here." He sighed like he was done with me. I just walked out and hopped in my truck and drove to the airport. When I got there the airport was crowded Jacobs plane should land soon I stood up on my tippy toes and gasped when I saw his searching the crowd he was in his military uniform I pushed through the crowd and practically ran to Jacob I engulfed him in a hug he was startled at first then relaxed when he saw it was me and for the first time I felt something I felt happy almost ok.

"God I missed you so much Bells" He said then kissed the top of my head

"Same Jake" I said and tears blurred my vision when I'm gone it's going to hurt him but he'll get over it he's a nice guy he'll make new friends he'll recover.

"I love you" Jacob said when we pulled away from the hug

"You shouldn't" I muttered and his ears perked up

"What do you mean Bella?" He asked

"I'm not a good person Jacob" I tried to explain

"I don't care I love you for being you." Jacob said and I sighed I held his hand and we walked to my truck

"Meet you at your house?" He suggested and we got into separate cars and started driving. At one point I strayed away from Jacob's car and drove to the place that I saw Sam and everyone cliff diving. It took me a little bit but I walked to the top of the highest cliff I looked down at the water and without a second thought I knew what I had to do I flung myself off the cliff…

**Can you say**** cliff**** hanger hahaha no pun intended so review!**

**Review!**


	17. Depressed

**Thanks for all of the reviews and you guys were right the pun in the last chapter was intended XD. Well I hope you guys enjoy this chapter!**

_Previously…It took me a little bit but I walked to the top of the highest cliff I looked down at the water and without a second thought I knew what I had to do I flung myself off the cliff_

I screamed it wasn't a terrified scream it was an excited scream, a rush of adrenaline scream. I hit the icy cold water and surfaced the cold water was stinging me it felt like pins and needles. Why didn't this work? I asked myself then looked up at the cliff it was a long way from the top this should have knocked me out then- I thought and I huge wave crashed into me forcing water into my lungs. My instinct kicked in and I tried to swim to the top my lungs felt like they were going to burst before I could get to the top another wave crashed into me whipping my body around. This was the end I felt myself smile then a wave crashed into me yet again and I hit my head against the cliff the last thing I thought before I blacked out was _I love you Edward. _

"Did she hurt her back when she fell?" I heard someone ask

"I don't know" Someone frantically said

"Breathe Bella" Someone said while pounding on my chest I spit out water sat up and started coughing black dots blurred my vision as I opened my eyes.

"What the hell were you thinking?" Jake said worried apparently Sam was swimming and saw me fall he saved me and then Jacob got worried when I didn't answer his call while he was driving and drove past here and saw Sam dragging me out of the water.

"Jake" I said my voice hoarse I didn't even recognize it my throat burned

"Did you hurt anything when you fell?" He asked

"She didn't fall she ju…" Sam was about to say but I cut him off

"No just my throat" I croaked

"Here let me take you home" Jake offered

"No Jake go see your Dad I'll get home." I insisted

"Ow" I said and put my hand to the back of my head I pulled my hand away and there was blood that was the last thing before I blacked out once again.

_Beep beep beep beep beep _the steady sound of the heart monitor made crap I was in a hospital I had to get 5 stitches on the back of my head and I had a concussion. I told them not to call anyone and say that I was here so there was no one here except for Jacob, Sam, and Carlisle(my doctor).

"Jakee goo goo see your dadd ok?" I slurred a little the medicine that they gave me for the stitches was making me loopy

"Bella I'm fine right here" he spoke god he was so stubborn

"Carlisle" I said in a sing song voice

"Yes" He was right by my side in a few seconds huh I guess a head injury is bad.

"Can I not have guests?" I asked and motioned to them I wanted Jake to go see his dad not stay here and watch me

"Uh Sure" He said not wanting to be rude

"I'm sorry but you guys have to go." Jake put up a verbal fight but in the end he left I saw Sam talking to Carlisle before he left meanwhile I was tugging at the IV cord I wanted to get out of here.

"Can I leave?" I asked Carlisle while fiddling with my blanket I looked out one of the windows and saw Edward and Jane they must be here for a college thing Jane's eyes met mine and she must of asked Edward if that was me because, he looked at me to I quickly covered up my whole body with a blanket.

"Can I go?" I re-asked

"Bella you're going to have to stay here for a little bit then get transferred to another type of hospital." He said and I gave him a confused look.

"Bella it's obvious that you are not happy and the place that you are going will help you with that." He said was he talking about what I think he's talking about?

"So you're sending me to a crazy hospital?" I exclaimed

"No it's a place just for people dealing with depression." He stated

"I'm not depressed I fell off It wasn't a suicide attempt if that's what you are thinking." I lied

"Oh and neither was that time that you overdosed on pills or what about all those cuts on your arms. I want to help you Bella." Carlisle's worried eyes borred into mine. WHAT HE KNEW, he knew about my cutting, fuck! I looked at my arms and it looked like he cleaned some of the infected cuts up and my arms were bandaged

"I don't have to go. You can't make me" The drugs were losing their effect

"Yes I can. You'll thank me for this later." He said ending the argument He removed my IV and a nurse in the other room helped me get dressed.

"Here you have to fill this out before you go Carlisle said handing me a form that said at the top Depression evaluation test I sighed and decided to cooperate so he doesn't suspect that I will run away as soon as I get my car I'm driving to the nearest airport.

Are you happy all of the time?

_No I'm human no one's sunshine and rainbows all of the time_

Are you depressed?

_No I'm not but my stupid fucking doctor thinks I am_

What caused you to attempt suicide?

_I didn't it was a mix up and no one believes me_

What caused you to harm yourself?

I left that question blank

Did anything happen to you to make you depressed

I was going to put down life but instead I left it blank

Has anyone played a part as to why you are depressed?  
Again I was going to put down Phil and my ex friends but I just scribbled that question out and I kept scribbling with as much force as I could.

"What are you doing?" Carlisle said horrified

"Oh um sorry here you go" I said my voice was still very hoarse from the ocean water and I handed the form to him

"A nurse will drive you home to make sure you don't try to escape. We've seen it happen before." Carlisle stated and I sighed crap there was no getting out of this situation was there. We got to my house and she stayed in the car. I hoped that nobody was there. I walked upstairs grabbed 2 suitcases and put everything in there including my journal. When I got downstairs everyone was there.

"Bella" Emmett called and I sighed I went to the living room just to get this over with

"Just saying that you have 5 days to leave."

"Don't worry I'm leaving now I'll pay you back later" I croaked and rubbed my throat it was burning right now.

Rosalie cheered "The slut is leaving yay!" and when she said that, that was my breaking point.

"What the fuck? I screwed up I get it and you're just being immature about this pinning everyone against me. Seriously, you have tried to make my life a living hell since I moved here and congratulations you succeeded how does that make you feel good? This is low that you have to put other people down just so that you can feel better about yourself. Now I'm just going to leave now but have a party because the "slut" is leaving or something I don't care what you say about me or do anymore." I said as loud as my voice would let me**(AN: Right on Bella! This is my favorite part of the chapter!) **everyone was quiet and shocked at my outburst I grabbed my suitcases and hopped back into my car the nurse and I arrived at the place where they helped depressed people.

**So what did you think about this chapter or Bella's speech to Rosalie before she left!**

**Review!**


	18. Like a bandaid

**NEW AGES FOR CHARACTERS all add one year to their age**

**Bella-20**

**Emmett-22**

**Alice-20**

**Edward-21**

**Rosalie-21**

**Phil-23**

**Jane-21**

**Jacob-20 **

**If I forgot any characters then just tell me and I'll add them **

"Hey Carlisle" I greeted him

"Oh hello Bella what a nice surprise" he exclaimed

"So how are you?" He asked

"Better" I said leaving it like that

"Are you sure you look like you're going to cry. I'm sure that more time there wouldn't hurt." False I never want to go back to that place again.

"I know that I'm never going to be as happy as I was and I'm never going to be content with my life but this is the happiest that I can be and I'm fine with that." I sighed

"I just came here to apologize." I added and he looked confused as he spoke

"For what?"

"For being such an insensitive jerk to you when all you were trying to do was help me. Thank you." I spoke. I was embarrassed at how I acted towards him he was like a dad to me when I was growing up whenever Charlie left me to go to some business trip Carlisle always asked me if I wanted to stay with him, Esme, Alice, and Edward.

"No problem I'm just glad you are ok now." He exclaimed

"Well it was nice seeing you I actually have to go." I spoke

"Ok I guess I'll be seeing you soon then." He exclaimed oh yeah

"Yeah I guess so" I said in a monotone voice. I didn't really like thinking about that since I didn't know what I was going to do about it yet.

"Do you want to come over for dinner tonight Esme has missed you."

"Thanks but I just came back I need to get some things straightened out probably next week but thanks for the invitation."

"Understood. Just take care of yourself" Carlisle said in a worried voice and I nodded I wasn't going to hurt my body no drugs, drinking, or cutting…for now. I nodded then went to my truck and clumsily got into the truck. For the first 6 months I didn't talk not to anyone not even to the councilors that they had there I was a mess I did not like it there at all and was stuck there for 12 months (1 year). Jacob got to visit me once a week and he made me feel better but something happened the 6 month I was stupid and found a way out but something happened that forced me to go back to there I actually felt safe there. The 8th month I couldn't hide it anymore Jacob noticed changes in me and he stopped visiting me didn't return my calls or let me explain what happened I spent every night of that month crying. The 9th month I knew I had to pull myself together. I talked to the councilors but I didn't tell them what happened to make me this depressed. The 12th month they decided that I was "happy" enough to leave so I was aloud to leave on one condition I had to see a therapist once a week then eventually I didn't have to see them at all. I stopped at Jacob's house I didn't want to get my hopes up I was lucky if he opted to talk to me 5 minutes once a month I took a deep breath as I got out of my truck. I knocked on his door impatiently as the rain started to fall. Jacob opened the door looked at me for a split second then started to shut the door but I put my hand in the way.

"Please let me explain" I shouted over the rain

"Please" My voice pleaded and he sighed

"I wasn't planning for this to happen if you think I was." I said my voice was small

"Do you know how much I cared about you and what you did…Do you know how much it hurts me to see you like this" He continued his voice in pain

"Look Jacob I know that you'll never forgive me for what happened but I really need a friend right now." Tears gathered at the corners of my eyes threatening to pour over.

"Do you know what you're going to do?" He asked

"No" I stated my voice glum

"Someone in your condition shouldn't be out in this weather. You should leave" He said sternly he looked like he was having an inner battle with himself

"Jake" I said while swallowing the lump in my throat

"Please I can't do this now just give me some time. I wasn't expecting you to be this far along. I'll be here for you. I had a lot of months to think about this." Jacob was forgiving me

"I'm sorry for not visiting you." Jacob exclaimed and gave me an awkward hug

"You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm the person who should be apologizing" I said while pulling away from the hug.

"I didn't realize how much I missed you." Jacob explained

"Same" was all I could say

"Look I'll see you later ok I have to get this overdue rent money to Emmett."

"Do you want me to drive you there?" Jacob asked

"No this is really something that I should do alone." I spoke I didn't want to see Emmett's reaction to this I just wanted to get it over with like ripping off a band-aid

"Thanks I'll see you around I guess" I sighed a sigh of relief and flashed him a half smile which he returned

I drove to Emmett's place which he shared with Rosalie, Edward, Tanya, Jasper, Alice, and now Jane and Steve I'm guessing she took my room but I don't talk to her anymore so I really don't know.

I knocked on the door and Jasper answered it

"Here's the rent money that I owed Emmett" I said quickly instantly feeling self conscious as he looked at me in disbelief

"You're pregnant!" Jasper practically shouted and his jaw was to the ground

**DA DA DAAAA I know this chapter was a little on the short side but since there was a big cliff hanger I thought that, would make up for the chapter being short. **

**Review! **


	19. I wish I was a size 4

**I know last chapter caused a lot of confusion and that was the point I guess or maybe it was because I wrote the chapter so early XD but if you really read/analyzed the chapter then you could have picked up on something huge… Here's some things to clear up the confusion**

**She has not used drugs**

**GAH! I always forget Jasper in the ages I even forgot him the first time I listed him**

**Jasaper-21**

**Renee is in her 40's still**

**Nor has she told anyone including the councilors about the rape she got the money from leftover at the place where she worked Newton's sporting Goods and the rest will be mentioned in the chapter I'll put a bold AN next to my point**

_Previously… _

"_You're pregnant!" Jasper practically shouted and his jaw hit the ground_

"What was your first guess" I muttered not happy about the situation I am in

"You're pregnant!" He said again in disbelief

"Yeah I kind of am" I stated getting somewhat annoyed

"You're.." He started to say in shock but I cut him off

"Please don't say pregnant again" I sighed wishing that this never happened I wish that I was still a size 3

"What How…?" He trailed on

"Please don't tell me I have to explain the birds and the bees to you" I snorted

"Come in" He urged and I looked at him weird I did not want to go into there and face anyone

"Don't worry I'm the only one here" He said I sighed then stepped in

"Here why don't you borrow some of Alice's clothes you're dripping wet." Jasper said very welcoming I wasn't surprised at his behavior he was the only one who was decent to me when I lived here he listened to me sometimes and asked what was wrong when I was on the verge of crying because, of Charlie.

"Yeah very practical like I could fit into her clothes when I am this big" I motioned to my stomach

"I'll get you one of Emmett's shirts that should fit you" He went up the stairs and came back with a blue and grey plaid button up shirt I went to the bathroom and changed it fit me almost perfectly it was a tad tight around the stomach area and a little bit too long but I wasn't complaining.

"Thanks you didn't have to do this" I said and he responded no problem Jasper hasn't really changed from when I last saw him his hair was a bit longer and darker than I remember but that was it.

"Do you want anything?" He asked as I sat down at the table

"Hot chocolate please I've been craving some must be the whole pregnancy thing" I said and Jasper laughed

"So what happened to the Bella that hated the world?" Jasper asked

"She got some help and hopefully is gone for a while" I said calmly Jasper had that effect with people whenever I talked to him it seemed like all my troubles went away. It seemed like he never hated me that we were friends again.

"That's good." he added

"So how's things with Alice?" I asked and as soon as I said her name he smiled

"Great I think I might pop the question but I don't know we're young but I love her. Just don't tell her I want it to be a surprise whenever I ask her"

"That's great and don't worry I won't" I exclaimed

"How is he?" I couldn't help but ask and there was some pain in my voice

"Who?" Jasper asked

"Ed-Edward"

"He's" Jasper said struggling for a word "Fine he's still going out with Tanya if that's what you mean." I felt like the wind was knocked out of me and looked down.

"How far along are you?" He asked changing the painfully awkward subject

"5 almost 6 months" I stated like it was a statistic no real emotion in my voice

"Wow I don't mean to pry but who's the dad?" He asked **  
(AN: The burning question you've all been waiting for)**

"He's not in my life anymore" I lied my voice thick

_Flashback_

_6 months 6 months in this horrible place all they want me to do is talk about my feelings all this mushy gushy crap. They wanted me to do the thing that I did not want to do so I'm staying silent I noticed the window was still wide open that's weird. Oh well I'm not going to complain I wanted out of this place and I got my wish, I shimmied and climbed out the window I could not spend another day with visits from Renee and Phil they have been visiting me because, Phil might get signed to a baseball team in Alaska. I started walking wow I'm surprised getting out was that easy I just want to go to a bar or something. I walked what seemed to be forever until I saw the bar crap I don't have a fake I.D. I walked out of the bar and went to the parking lot it was pretty empty._

"_Hey what are you doing here slut?" I heard someone's drunken voice ask I turned around to see Phil's goofy grin._

"_I-I-I" I stuttered I didn't know what to say he swung at me he hit my head and I blacked out the next thing I knew he was on top of me in his car and I was screaming for him to stop but he wouldn't he just kept on going he didn't bother to use protection I think he was too drunk to notice. He raped me again it didn't hurt as much as the first time but believe me it hurt since it was only my second time. I was full blown crying when I was putting my clothes on._

"_Well that was fun" He slurred then smiled then let me out I decided to go back to the 'depression' hospital he couldn't touch me there but he could outside._

_End flashback _**(AN: check the last chapter the section where Bella describes the hospital it says "The 6****th**** month I was stupid and found a way out but something happened and forced me to go back there I actually felt safe there. IMPORTANT PART: The 8****th**** month I couldn't hide it anymore (The pregnancy) Jacob noticed the changes in me (Her stomach getting big). He stopped visiting her because, he felt betrayed and jealous that she slept with another man. Does that clear things up if not ask me and I'll explain it better…**

I was braced for him to call me a 'slut' or 'whore' because he thought the baby's dad wasn't in my life.

"Sorry" he mumbled he didn't like that idea

"Don't be, you have nothing to be sorry for." I exclaimed

"Do you know what you are doing with the kid?" He asked genially curious

"Yeah I'm going to put him or her up for adoption" I spoke

"What?" He exclaimed

"Jasper I know that people especially you won't approve of my decision but it's my body my kid. I can barley take care of myself how am I supposed to take care of them. I'm broke do you know how much a baby costs? I live in my truck and I don't think that's a suitable place for a baby to live. I'd rather have him or her live with a nice family that can support and love them." My voice bubbled on the edge of hysteria and I ran my fingers through my hair and took an eager sip of the hot chocolate Jasper gave me.

"You're living in your truck?" He asked and I nodded since I got out a few days ago I don't have anywhere to go so I just crash in my truck.

"Is everything I say going to be a surprise to you?" I asked and he laughed

"Sorry it's just you show up a year later pregnant and bombard me with all this news it's hard to take in" He breathed

"Why don't you stay here?" I looked for traces in his face to see if he was joking but he was serious

"Jasper" I sighed then continued "I can't stay here do you know how many comments about me being a slut while I'm here no, no way."

Before he could speak I said "And we all know what's going to happen as soon as they get home you're going to go back to treating me like crap" I looked down and took a gulp of my hot chocolate.

"I've changed I don't like making fun of you it's rather cruel and after what you said to Rosalie I realized how true that was I was being immature like everyone else." He admitted

"Yeah I wish that everyone else thought like that" I said sourly

"Whoa" I said my hand flew down to my belly

"What happened are you in labor oh god oh god" Jasper panicked

"Relax Jasper he just kicked me. Here feel" I said and guided his hand to my stomach he smiled when the baby kicked.

"It's going to be hard giving him or her up" I exclaimed that was kind of a thought that I just blurted

"You don't have to" I sighed I had to he didn't understand I yawned I was sleeping more often since I got pregnant

"Hey earth to Bella" Jasper waved his hand in front of my face

"Sorry I'm just really tired" I yawned again

"Why don't you stay the night then you can decide if you want to stay here" He suggested I was too tired to argue and just nodded. I flopped down on the guest room's bed and kicked off my shoes my feet were killing me. I awoke from a vivid nightmare and glanced at the clock holy crap I've slept for 12 hours I sat up my body was unbelievably stiff. I started walking down the stairs but I froze when I heard Jasper arguing about me staying here.

"We all know how well that went when she stayed here the first time." Rosalie sneered

"Look she's not in the best medical condition and has been living in her truck."Jasper argued

"I. Don't. Care." Rosalie said fed up they must have been arguing for a while

"Emmett?" Jasper asked

"I don't know" He stumbled not sure of what to say

"Just let her stay" I was surprised when Edward spoke up his voice was strained, that's sweet I thought

"Pretend she's not here, ignore her if you wish. That's what I plan on doing my life is not going to be effected by Bella" Edward suggested ouch you know what I'm not going to stay here I continued down the stairs taking on step at a time I didn't want to fall. They twisted their heads to my direction and I heard a collective gasp of shock.

"Here Emmett here's the rent money I owe you and I'll send your shirt back via mail sorry I borrowed it my clothes were soaking wet sorry" I felt self-conscious I as I gave him the money hoping that no one would notice the obvious bump I tried to suck my stomach in but that was useless, I wish that I was still a size 4 that I wasn't pregnant anymore I wish none of this happened.

"So she's pregnant?" Rosalie said smugly all I could do was brace myself for what she was about to say

**AH HA! Extra long chapter and it's being released REALLY soon barley 1 day since the last chapter came out I expect some**

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**I've worked really hard on this chapter and edited and read through it at least 100000000 times!**

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